Global Warming Guide
CN rather expertly contributes the following:
Most honorable Czar of Muscovy, who with a single effort of the pen of writing makes my most eloquent efforts seem but the ramblings of the unschooled child, it was my humble pleasure to treat my eyes to the greatness that is your recent article on global warming.
For your convenience, I’ve prepared a handy-dandy guide to convince global warming skeptics that you are right and they are poopyheads; global warming is screwing up the world:
The Global Warmist’s Handy Guide To Discussing The Environment | |
| If Conditions Are… | You Say… |
| Hot | “Global Warming… Q.E.D.!” |
| Cold | “Climate does not equal weather!” |
| Extremely Cold | “Global warming is playing a role by shifting weather patterns in unpredictable ways!” |
| Dry | “Climate models also project changes in the distribution and timing of rainfall. The combination of a decrease in summer rainfall and increased evaporation will lead to more severe and longer-lasting droughts.” |
| Wet | “In a warmer world, more water evaporates from the ocean and more precipitation falls!” |
| Blizzard | “As the climate warms overall, the atmosphere can hold more moisture, which can lead to more precipitation–falling as snow in places like Siberia that remain relatively cold. All that Siberian snow creates a dome of cold air near the mountains, which bends the passing jet stream. Instead of flowing west to east, the jet stream moves in a more north to south fashion, carrying cold air south from the Arctic in the eastern US and in Europe.” |
| Tornado | “Warming trends create more of the fuel that tornadoes require, like moisture.” |
| Hurricane | “Of course when the oceans get warmer that causes stronger storms!” |
| No Hurricanes | “Global warming causes El Nino to intensify, which increases the vertical wind shear across the tropical Atlantic. The inreased wind shear greatly reduces Atlantic basin hurricane activity.” |
| Flooding | “Warm air holds more moisture, making outbreaks of heavy rainfall more frequent!” |
| Glaciers Receding | “Global causes glaciers to melt! |
| Glaciers Growing | “Silly denier, all glaciers are shrinking!” |
| Sea Level Rising | “Global warming causes the glaciers to melt, increasing sea levels!” |
| Sea Level Retreating | “Increase in precipitation over cold areas leads to more water being trapped as ice!” |
| Fire | “Global warming causes warmer summer temperatures, earlier arrival of spring, and earlier snowmelts, leading to more fires!” |
| Earthquake | “Research suggests that glaciers become stuck to the ice next to them and pressure accumulates along their edges, until they slip forward a few inches at a time. These massive lurches forward produce earthquakes of up to 7 magnitude on the Richter schale. As glaciers melt, they move faster, so we can expect more and more earthquakes.” |
| Volcano | “A thaw of Iceland’s ice caps in coming decades caused by climate change may trigger more volcanic eruptions by removing a vast weight and freeing magma from deep below ground.” |
| Unexpected | “Given that global warming is unequivocal, the null hypothesis should be that all weather events are affected by global warming rather than the inane statements along the lines of ‘of course we cannot attribute any particular weather event to global warming.'” |
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.