‘Puter doesn’t know what debt ceiling debate Eugene Robinson is writing about in today’s Washington Post, but it’s sure as heck not the one going on in Washington.

Mr. Robinson’s premise is that Republicans are solely to blame for the stalemate, and the Democrats, while playing politics, are fully committed to compromise. Bull.

The Republicans have already given in. They have agreed to more spending, to be offset with future year spending cuts. The spending is the difference between the current debt ceiling and the revised debt ceiling. That money is not going to lay unborrowed. It’s already spent. If the Republicans didn’t insist on spending cuts, taxes would have to rise catastrophically in the future to keep up with current spending level.

It’s the Democrats who are gumming up the works. They’ve received a reprieve from the consequences of their out of control spending. Republicans are letting Democrats off the hook in exchange for sensible spending commitments in the out years. So, of course, the Democrats respond that the Republicans are uncompromising bastards who won’t agree to raise taxes.

If the Democrats get their way, Republicans would be agreeing to spending increases twice, and the Democrats would be agreeing to spending cuts for budgets that hadn’t yet been enacted and could be undone if Democrats take back the majority. Democrats are getting something for nothing already.

If ‘Puter were Speaker Boehner, he’d be stealing every microphone Senator Schumer was bogarting to say the Democrats already got what they wanted: more spending in the form of an increased debt ceiling. The Democrats have now come back and said more spending isn’t enough. We need more, more spending. Well, it’s not going to happen. Take the deal on the table, or we’ll pass a bill out of the House, and Democrats can either filibuster it in the Senate or President Obama can veto it. We have acted responsibly to protect America’s credit rating and her future, so Democrats can pound sand.

The Democrats are double-dipping, and the press is aiding and abetting them. If the Republicans can’t win this debate on the merits, then they don’t deserve their majority.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.