‘Puter’s company is located in a suburban office park, comprised of around 10 separate office buildings. In many ways, ‘Puter’s office complex is unremarkable, similar to those found anywhere in America’s sprawling suburbs. There is one important difference, however.

There are two tenants in ‘Puter’s 40,000 s.f. building. There are shared restrooms, which is relevant as will be made obvious in a moment. The other tenant is a student loan collection agency, staffed by lowest common denominator employees. When you spend your day dialing for dollars on non-dischargeable student loans, you don’t have to be that bright. Nor do you have to be that clean, apparently.

Today ‘Puter received an email from his landlord. Here is that email, reproduced in its entirety, with only identifying information removed (names, location, etc.).

Hello,

I spoke at length with [bathroom attendant/janitor] this morning about the restrooms. He had mentioned that there are a number of times that it appears that someone is doing something intentionally to create havoc and a mess. Specifically,

• the Ladies restroom stall next to the handicapped stall is continually becoming clogged with used feminine hygiene products;
• the Men’s restroom last week had three of the four stalls plugged with an entire roll of toilet paper and one urinal was plugged with toilet paper;
• the Men’s restroom stall doors and walls appear to be used as someone’s personal Kleenex

I am also alerting [student loan collection agency] of these situations and wanted to ask everyone to help in keeping the restrooms clean and orderly for everyone’s use. Please address the hygiene situations noted above with your staffs, and we will endeavor to keep the areas as clean as possible.

Sincerely,

[Landlord]

Sweet Baby Jebus In The Manger, for this I went to law school? Welcome to the glamorous corporate world, boys and girls.

At least the pond scum fouling ‘Puter’s facilities get up and come to work each morning. That’s about the best ‘Puter can say for the Typhoid Marys occupying the next suite.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.