Last Man Standing
In the course of his daily reading, ‘Puter came across the following article noting Europe’s economy (and if there is a just God, the EU as well) is circling the bowl. More apt, Europe’s economy is halfway down the u-bend. And Tom Friedman’s catamitic love interest, China, isn’t looking too hot, either.
‘Puter had the following contrarian thought. What if Europe’s economy absolutely cratering isn’t a bad thing for the United States? What if it’s actually a good thing? Bear with ‘Puter for a minute.
Post World War II, the United States was the last industrialized nation standing. Japan, Russia and much of Europe had been leveled. Rebuilding the world ushered in an unprecedented age of prosperity for America. What if the destruction (self-inflicted) of Europe’s finances provides the United States much the same opportunity as the physical destruction of Europe did?
Certainly, things would be difficult in the United States should Europe fall. But world capital needs somewhere to go, and in this scenario, the last man standing is the United States. The United States would be the bank of last resort, holding the world’s reserves and lending into Europe to rebuild again.
Sure, it’s just — if not more — likely that as goes Europe, so goes the United States. But what if ‘Puter’s right? What if there is opportunity among the ashes?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.