Been thinking about this; just have no idea to whom we should send it.

Dear Mainstream Media,

For some time you have been touting the Tea Party as racist. Please—remembering how libel laws work—provide the name of a racist in the Tea Party. Just one.

Perhaps you can find one. Odds are, there must be. But can you do the necessary math to determine what percentage of Tea Party members are racist from that one?

Here is how you do the math (yes, you may use a computer or calculator to help you). Take the total number of racists you find in the Tea Party. Divide that by the total number of Tea Party advocates. If the resulting percentage is smaller than, say, 5 (?), you can’t really call them racist.

Bear in mind a couple of things. First, you need to figure out the number of total Tea Party members. That can be difficult, we know: but the odds are good you will have an easier time coming up with that number than you will the other number. Do you remember what the other number is?

Yes, that is right: the number of actual racists in the Tea Party. Remember, you have to specifically identify them. You can’t simply make this number up, because your whole narrative hinges on it. And you need to identify who they are specifically.

Still waiting. While you are at it, why not tell us—by name—the billionaires who control the Tea Party. No tricky math here; no division or adding. This one is simple: provide us the names and, if you could, the proof that they control the Tea Party. Do not simply provide us names of billionaires who associate with the Tea Party: remember, your narrative depends on them controlling the Tea Party.

Acceptable forms of proof include but are not limited to specific instructions, orders carried out, detailed organization charts showing their reporting structure, or even membership cards that identify their rank within the organization.

We would very much request that until you provide either scenario, you defer from running hit pieces on the Tea Party until after the 2012 election.

Thanks in advance,
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй

The Czar will commence drinking until the media reply in detail.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.