Hey, in case your local paper failed to carry this item, the Цесаревич joined Cub Scouts. The Czar is most pleased with this. Even though Cub Scouting is a different activity than when the Czar was involved (Axemanship is not a requirement anymore? Two-On-One Combat neither? What is all this about MPLS Wide Area Circuit Design?), the manual is jam-packed with great stuff that is not only useful to a kid, but fun, too.

Many of you probably have Cub Scouts at home. The Czar was a little annoyed to see, once again, that the entire section on Gormogonica was omitted from the publication. Did you know there are seventeen activities that your scout can do to fulfill his or her requirements for Bear?

Here they are, awaiting approval and signature from Akela.

1. Construct the word GORMOGON on a large scale for others to see. Nothing too flashy or expensive, and please do not spray paint anything. Think the Hollywood sign—something big like that would qualify. Or it could be parking cars so that they spell out our name to people in an airplane. Use your own imagination: it isn’t someone else’s job to do all your thinking for you.
2. Follow your mother around the house for a day, and ask her what she’s doing every five minutes or so. Even if you already know what she’s doing. Especially if she is still doing the exact same thing she was doing a few minutes ago.
3. Without being asked to by Dad, collect all the trash in and around the house, and maybe from the street, too. Throw it all over the fence into the yard of the asshat that told your parents your lawn was getting too weedy last summer. See how he likes that.
4. When your parents are outside doing something, trash the house. Really mess it up. When they come in and ask what the hell happened, tell them Jack Burton did it, but be very certain to remind them the importance of leaving Jack Burton alone.
5. Travel to an earlier time, and convince someone that you know the future. Surprise them by guessing right.
6. When someone walks away from his or her computer, sneak up and select a paragraph. Copy it to the clipboard, and then paste it a little higher up in their document. Because the text is familiar to them, they probably won’t recognize it repeats.
7. Teach a Masai tribal elder how to dislocate a jaw by pressing your thumbs against the rami of the mandible. Do not demonstrate this on yourself.
8. Make ‘Puter a Manhattan: using a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice, pour in a half-shot of sweet vermouth, slightly less than a half-shot of dry vermouth, six dashes of bitters, and two shots of Black Velvet whiskey. Shake the cocktail shaker vigorously, and pour the contents into an empty glass (no ice), and twist in a thin lemon slice. Float the lemon on top and serve. Do not use maraschinos or you will forfeit your points earned in this module.
9. Help your grandparents out. Call your Uncle Jerry at home, and tell him what you really want for Christmas is for him to get off his fat, lazy ass and get a job. A real one, that doesn’t involve him borrowing money from everybody. Suggest he cut back on the internet porn, too: the people at the library have about had it with him.
10. Using a lawn mower blade, a leaf spring from an old truck (you can get this at any junkyard, or simply steal one off an idling delivery truck), fifty feet of polypropylene rope, a gazing ball from a landscaping store, and an old swing set, smash apart your police chief’s mailbox. When they see all that, they’ll think Ron Paul did it.
11. When someone walks away from his or her computer, sneak up and select a paragraph. Copy it to the clipboard, and then paste it a little higher up in their document. Because the text is familiar to them, they probably won’t recognize it repeats.
12. Get as many of your friends together as you can (they do not need to be Cub Scouts), and wild some hippie. Make sure he is a real hippie by offering him some dope and someone else’s social security. Jump on him repeatedly, using your elbows and shoes. Take turns with your friends, or simply overpower him all at once.
13. Make the Czar a vodka kamikaze. In a shaker (clean, with no Manhattan residue) half-filled with ice, put in 6 shots of Russian or Polish vodka, 4 shots of lime juice, and 2 shots of triple sec. Shake thoroughly and pour into a glass with ice. Just leave the shaker there, buddy. Leave the shaker.
14. Don’t celebrate America’s independence only on July 4th! A public display of patriotism and remembrance is always effective. Gather as many Class A and B pyrotechnics as you can find at Wal-Mart, and set them off on the hood of the 1997 Mustang owned by the jackwagon down the street, who parks it in his driveway around 7:15 Sunday morning, cranks the stereo in it, and then whiffs on a couple of layups on his garage basketball net, then walks around his front yard smoking and arguing with some whacked girl on his cell phone, before going back into his house for a couple hours, all the while his car is thumping, thumping, thumping the same stupid bass line. Remind him how Sam Adams would have declared his independence from dumbshits like that.
15. Make yourself useful and whip up some scrambled eggs for us both.
16. Build a tesseract for GorT and Mandarin to play in. Ask Dad to help. Make a titanium frame for it that is 60 feet wide, by 60 feet tall, by 60 feet deep, by 216,000 feet around. Cover it with one-way glass. They will handle the rest.
17. By sheer focus of willpower, transform yourself into a huge pterodactyl. Swoop around your community, frightening people badly. Use a really loud, powerful shrieking noise as you dive down at the puny, terrified little snivelers. Revel in their fear. When the army comes with big munitions, land behind some garbage dumpsters and revert back to human form. If they see you and accuse you of turning into a pterodactyl, tell them that you are merely a pterodactyl dreaming he is a child.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.