More mail on taxes. Merlin carefully engraved this on a single grain of rice (which was easily the second biggest grain of rice the Czar has seen, as it weighed in around twelve pounds):

Oh Great And Mighty Czar,

I hope this missive finally reaches you. My email client has continuously devolved into a quivering mass of electrons when tasked with even trying to resolve your domain, so I know not whether I have forced it to my will.

Through various modes of data collection (aka (not anti)social networks), I have stumbled across a screed, a missive, a manifesto if you will. This manifesto differs from most, however. Every fringe organization to which I have belonged (the Great Myrmidon Uprising, the Herculean Atlantean Bailing Out, the Icarusian Parasailers Revolt, the Pangaean Pandoran Box Shutting) has posted a manifesto diktating how the union local shall behave.

Here, however, our nemeses have stumbled upon a NEW tactic. Instead of directing their own forces, they instead attempt to mislead their enemies.

To whit, I posit the following evidence.

This is a list of 102 things that us regressive types should do, since we find taxation such an onerous burden.

I shan’t declaim (much) about the confusion between various authoritative regimes, their differing legitimate powers (be they police or taxation) or the repetitive nature (no seriously, they repeat themselves) of The List (tm, somewhere, maybe, if they’re lucky). However, I do find it ironic that a number of my acquaintances would yell “YES PLEASE, WHERE DO I SIGN UP!!!” if tasked with performing some of these “requests”.

I would send this to GorT, but I fear that without his Quantum Computing upgrade, he will go into a recursive process freeze. The Mandarin crossed my mind, but I feared that he would merely go back to the Big Bang, and revert it to a Big Burp, with all the gaseous consequences thus entailed. Neither Dr. J. nor the Notorious OEV seem much interested in this particular area of sheep-herding, so I find myself beseeching the Grand Master himself, as humbly as I might.

I do plan on responding, in my own feeble fashion, and if you so desire I shall forward the appropriate link. However, I felt that the Great Gregariousness of the Gormogons (or something like that) would be much better suited to repudiating this collection of filth.

Your humble follower,
Merlin

Sure, we can take this on! Thanks for calling our attention to it.

Readers, do not even bother clicking on the link. As Merlin says, it’s a list of 102 things that Republicans will fornicate themselves over if taxes go away. For example, “5. Do not call 911 when you get hurt.”

The entire premise of this is absurd to the point of stupidity. The opening sentence of the web page says it all:

So, you’re a Republican that hates taxes? Well, since you do not like taxes or government, please kindly do the following.

And then begins the do not ever list.

False premise. This list conflates Republicans with anarchists. Most assuredly, there are many libertarians who would agree with a few of the points: many prefer against using public schools, visiting National Parks, and so on. But the woefully incorrect premise here is that Republicans want all government services eliminated. That is dangerously wide of the mark, and indicates the author (Stephen Foster, who clearly is not the good-time goofball drinker piano player the Czar met a couple centuries ago) probably has no real contact with conservatives. What a surprise.

Republicans do not hate taxes, Foster. What they object to is paying ridiculous sums of money for social programs that benefit very few, if any, people. Republicans likewise do not despise government—Reagan said it best that Republicans prefer to be a nation that has a government rather than the other way around.

Also, Mr. Foster, you might take the time to understand the levels of government. Your list conflates federal, state, county, and municipal taxes and fees as all one big entity. And indeed, that is a common misconception among most liberals. A Republican or Libertarian does not object to paying the city or county for the protection of the Fire Department; but he or she would object to paying the federal government to put out fires in some other state in which he or she does not reside (cough, FEMA, cough). The reader sees the difference, but the author cannot.

In fact, the list is so screwed up in its vomitous mix of taxes, fees, regulatory requirements, and so on that the author is unlikely to ever comprehend where the fallacy is in the premise. And one other mistake the author makes: some of these items were available via the free market and are no longer. For example, “do not use your cell phone or home telephone.” Once, you could. But the government took it over. Please explain why. The government could relinquish total control over cellular telecommunications and the only obvious difference we would see is prices dropping like a stone.

Best error in the list: do not call the police to stop intruders in your home. Done! We call police after the intruders have been dealt with, numbskull. Merlin and the Czar will laugh long into the night over that gaffe.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.