“My fellow Americans, esteemed members of the Senate and the House of Representatives, Justices of the Supreme Court, and members of the Cabinet.”

“How’s everything going? Looks like you’re doing pretty well. And I really hope things are going well for you. Really, really well. Because you’re one of the nicest guys I know. Really, you are—don’t sell yourself short; you’re a lucky guy, and a lot of that is all you, buddy.”

“Wish I could say the same. Yeah, I don’t know if you heard, but things haven’t been all that great for me. But I’ve been doing it, you know? Maintaining. Maintaining. Anyhow, I don’t want you to worry about me; I actually have some great news. Fantastic news, really.”

“I’ve got this thing going, you know, at work? Well, not at work. I’ve been out of work for a while, you know, with the whole economy thing. But this is a work-at-home thing, you know? An entrepreneurial thing going on. And I’m only telling you about it, because I think you’re a classy guy, who’s got it all going on.”

“Seriously, bro, I’m not talking to anyone else about this. This is a total opportunity. It’s a little on the inside, you understand, so I don’t want you to get into the details. It’s nothing illegal! Hah, no—don’t let me scare you. No, it’s all totally legit. Just that some of the details are non-disclosure stuff, and if word gets out, the deal is off. But let me tell you about it.”

“Like I said, this is totally real, and I’m only sharing this one with you. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, baby, and this one is for real. I know I’ve asked you for money before, man, and I’m sorry none of that worked out. But this one is going to pay you back plus all that other money you gave me. I’m serious. No, I’m serious. Don’t roll your eyes. This one is the mother lode, man.”

“I just need a little help fronting the cash. I just need about $400 million, and you’re in. I can probably get the guys behind it to meet you, so they can show you it’s legit. And it’s totally legit. I’m not kidding, this time: this one is gold, man. Forget all those other times—okay, I know I screwed those up. But you have to trust me on this one. This one is pure gold, man.”

“Anyway, I’ll put your money with mine, and I’ll invest it together. We’ll split the dividends, and okay, you can have the bigger half because I owe you from the last time. But this one is great, and it’s going to be different this time. This is real money, and that’s why you gotta pay in some real money. I know it’s a lot, but trust me on this one. $400 million is going to be chump change to you in a few months when this thing kicks over. I’m totally serious!”

“So what do you say? Are you in?”

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.