Man, our readers/operatives/minions are a sharp bunch. ‘Puter posts one missive on gay marriage and gets: (1) a twitter argument on the appropriateness of using two ostensibly gay gentlemen clad in matching tux g-strings as a visual; and (2) an exceptionally incisive email from William the Coroner with a quibble on ‘Puter and natural law.

First things first. ‘Puter chose to use the gay pride parade image of the two gentlemen below because it’s funny, not to make any great statement as to the relative merits of homosexuals as objects of straights derision. Men (of any orientation) in g-strings is funny. Men in tuxedo g-strings is hilarious. So, ‘Puter politely implied his Twitter interlocutor should lighten up a bit and instead focus on ‘Puter’s substantive argument which, as always, was serious and brilliant. That said, and to show ‘Puter’s a decent guy, he selected the above image to show that most gays live lives pretty much like straights. Except for the whole same-sex partner thing.

‘Puter still thinks gay pride parades are (1) campy and hilarious and (2) detrimental to gay-conservative relations. Therefore, ‘Puter reserves the right to continue to illustrate his postings with full-on gay campiness, because it amuses him, and not as any sort of implicit comment on the worthiness of our homosexual brethren.

So onward to William the Coroner. Bill the Kill writes:

While marriage does provide a way to raise children, I submit it is not SOLELY for that purpose. It simplifies inheritance, disposition of property, clarifies kinship, and provides a recognized way that two adults commit to one another and act as a dyad in society. Are you willing to say that since men with Cystic Fibrosis are sterile, therefore they are not allowed to marry (it happened to a friend of mine, who for that reason could not get married in a Roman Catholic church–to a woman) Are the sterile doomed to singlehood? Have a hysterectomy and lose your husband? I hope not.

And though it is true that contracts can handle most interactions between competent adults, is it not unfair that one group has an easy, well recognized route to establish that contract, where others have a more expensive and difficult route. Frankly I would prefer to separate marriage from contract law and the state, and let the churches handle the marriage bit and keep the state out of it if at all possible Or if not, grant all people who make up the state access. To use religion as a basis of determining which contract one can enter with whom is a back door to establishment.

‘Puter is sympathetic to each argument. Not convinced, but sympathetic.

‘Puter would distinguish that the benefits mentioned in the first paragraph are conferred BECAUSE OF the procreative nature of marriage. Society gives traditional marriage these benefits to support the special relationship. There is no reason to bestow such benefits on other non-traditional relationships as a matter of course, as those relationships do not benefit society in the same manner. Which is not an argument that other pairings/unions are not societally beneficial in other ways. Don’t go there on ‘Puter, because you’ll wish you hadn’t.

And William the Coroner is correct that it’s more difficult for other, non-favored, pairings to get these benefits. ‘Puter doesn’t see it as unfair, however. ‘Puter views it simply as a recognition of the special place in Western society that marriage has held in the past. As previously discussed, Western society currently seems Hell-bent on destroying traditional marriage, but that’s for another post.

‘Puter further agrees that in a perfect world, it is most logical to sever completely the notion of religious marriage from civil marriage. And ‘Puter used to be in favor of this option. However, marriage of one man and one woman for the purpose of procreation remains the single-best way to raise the offspring of that union. ‘Puter doesn’t think, ceteris paribus, that there is any serious research that disputes this notion. Thus, there is a reason the state should take an interest in preferring this type of union above all others, no matter how broken the institution may seem at the current time. Treating marriage as a “you define it” choice on a cafeteria menu only further devalues it, and in ‘Puter’s opinion will lead to further social ills.

‘Puter’s not concerned about the Establishment Clause issue raised by William the Coroner. In ‘Puter’s small, pointy head, he envisions marriage as a civil good, however religion chooses to define it. As a Roman Catholic, ‘Puter’s partial to that definition, but a the Jewish tradition works just fine, too. Civil marriage mirrors religious marriage precisely because the agreed definition relects natural law: one man, one woman, having kids, faithful until death creates a good, strong, livable society. If we are to entertain the notion that the civil marriage definition, as an offshoot of a religious understanding of sacramental marriage, is invalid, then we must conclude that all traditions of marriage must be recognized by the state. To ‘Puter, it is akin to arguing that the state has no valid interest in defining mariage, and is only there to rubber stamp a couple’s (or trio, or quartet, or whatever) then-current sleeping arrangements. ‘Puter doesn’t want to live in that world.

But despite ‘Puter’s disagreement with William the Coroner, boy can he write.

Anyhoo, that’s what ‘Puter thinks.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.