The Czar wonders why he sometimes gets ‘Puter’s mail. Batter up.

Mighty Czar,

I can’t think of an adequate way to introduce to this link. It quite simply just needs to be read.

Glorious.

A few thoughts spring to mind:

1) Nothing says reputable like online semen!

2) Wouldn’t Canadian semen already come frozen?

3) I’ve always been told you can’t beat farm fresh.

4) Is ‘Puter spending more time than usual locked in his room these days?

Anyway, I think my favourite part is the lede:

Canada’s health agency on Tuesday warned would-be parents not to purchase “fresh” semen online, saying it may be tainted with infectious diseases.

Uhhh…doesn’t it sorta go without saying that any semen – whether purchased online or procured otherwise – could be tainted with infectious diseases? That’s what all the state-educated prepubescents tell me anyway.

In strangely but vaguely related news, Jack Layton, the Canadian Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition passed away a few weeks back after his battle with cancer. Mr. Layton led the New Democratic Party (NDP) – which would fall somewhere on the left wing of the Democratic Party – to its best result ever in a federal election this past May, largely due to the collapse of the Liberals and Bloc Quebecois.

Now of course this is a sad event for his friends and family, and I remotely empathize as I suppose any normal person does. But the Princess Dianified public reaction (amped up by the media that loved him), was a tad overzealous.

Regardless, I’m not really interested in pontificating on the fairly predictable commentary which ensued from both political supporters and opponents. Minus the dead young woman and waitress sandwiches, think the Ted Kennedy situation.

So what am I interested in? Lowbrow pecker comedy, that’s what!

During the last election campaign this little revelation came out…ummm…so to speak. Now I’m relatively indifferent as to whether or not Mr. Layton planned on receiving a happy ending during his visit to the Velvet Touch massage parlour, and just as indifferent as to whether or not this was an intentional smear by political or media opponents (I suspect the answer to both is yes).

Meh, whatever.

But when an online campaign to have the CN Tower lit up in the NDP’s traditional orange as a tribute to Mr. Layton was successful, my plebeian alarm bells went off.

Supporters oblivious to the imagery? An honest tribute to Mr. Layton’s attributes? Who knows? Either way, from here in the cheap seats, that picture of a tall, erect tower seems bathed in more purple than orange.

Regardless of my personal opposition to Mr. Layton’s brand of politics, I’ll always fondly remember him for this spectacular exit.

Requiescat in pace.

Sincerely,
MH

Um. Yes. Thank you…for that…whatever that was.

And the penile humor weirdly continues, having received this a couple minutes later:

Oh Mighty Czar,

Oh yeah? Well I once peed next to Clint Eastwood! So there! And, uhh, he stood further back from the urinal than I did, if you catch my drift.

XOXO,

Floridian Myrmidon Wrangler,

D.T.

This has been a most…odd day.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.