So now the Germans are getting into the satellite crashing business.

Many people are wondering what on earth is bringing down all these satellites?

Our readers, of course, are not wondering at all. And many of you have sent emails congratulating the Mandarin on his vastly improved aim.

And, at this rate, we should have all 40,000 pieces of space junk cleaned out of orbit by 2015. And that means only our mind-control satellites will be up there, with a nicely unobstructed view of the people of earth.

You might ask, in fact, what the outcome of this would be. Very well: without spoiling it for everyone, the next two years will provide…

1. An inexplicably stupid song will become very popular. Really?

2. A Hollywood blockbuster picture will get lousy reviews and basically flop. For no reason?

3. High school fashions will take a dramatic turn to the moronic. Guess why?

4. A major network will launch a television show that has no redeeming qualities or fan base, yet will run for a few seasons without cancellation. Hmmm.

5. A politician will make a major gaffe, yet refuse to correct an obvious mistake.

And the minds will boggle; but not yours: you will simply look up to the sky and know why.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.