Oh, E.J. Dionne! Your columns are a balm for ‘Puter’s weary soul. Whenever ‘Puter needs a break from dissecting a thoughtful liberal position, along you come with a poorly reasoned and inaccurate howler, enabling ‘Puter to sit back and let the refutation droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath.

In today’s installment of “inapposite comparisons later completely disavowed by the writer within the same column,” Mr. Dionne makes the following arguments:

1. President Obama is the equivalent of President Lincoln, except he’s not. Ignore what I just wrote in (literally) the first six paragraphs of a twelve paragraph column.

2. The Occupy Wall Street mental midgets are the moral equivalent of abolitionists, except they’re not. Ignore what I just wrote in (literally) the first six paragraphs of a twelve paragraph column.

3. Income inequality is “economic injustice,” whatever the Hell that means.

4. The Occupy Wall Street flotsam and jetsam are not hard leftists, even though a respected pollster’s data show they are. And it doesn’t matter anyway, because everyone I know thinks they’re groovy and right on. Keep on truckin‘, neo-Hippies!

All of Mr. Dionne’s column is laughably infantile (not to mention flat out wrong), but the point ‘Puter wants to focus on is his Point 3: income equality is economic injustice.

This is wrongheaded horse shit of the worst kind. Mr. Dionne is one among many left-wing pundits parroting this undefined phrase. It’s columnizing of the weakest kind. ‘Puter didn’t use the phrase “economic injustice,” but he’s going to define it through the negative. Hold on. Here goes.

1. It is not economically unjust to pay different people different wages. You may think it’s stupid to pay lawyers more than teachers, but that’s what the market will bear. It’s the economy working efficiently.

2. It is not economically unjust that you are unemployed. It certainly sucks, but it is not economically unjust. The economy simply has no need of your skill set at the moment. ‘Puter’s sorry your skill set as a photograph developer has been rendered useless by technological advances. That’s the way the economy is supposed to work.

3. It is not economically unjust that your manufacturing job was outsourced to a country with lower taxes and wages, where the product you produced can be created at lower cost and similar quality. That’s how the economy works.

4. It is not economically unjust that your Fill In The Blank Studies major has rendered you unemployable. The only people who care about that buffoonery are esconced in academia, and they’re not hiring. Your piss-poor life choices are not the result of The Man keeping you down. They are the result of your own stupidity and naivete. Live with the consequences.

5. It is not economically unjust for a private corporation to pay its executives/CEOs/stockbrokers whatever the heck it wants to pay them. These corporations answer to shareholders, and if the salaries are out of whack with the benefits provided by the employees, the shareholders can correct the overpayment. Again, it’s how the economy works.

‘Puter could go on in this vein for hours. It’s the blessed ease of refutation that comes baked in to every single one of Mr. Dionne’s columns. Truly, it’s hours of fun for the entire family. In fact, GorT developed an algorithm that can be used to generate a random E.J. Dionne column on any topic you choose. He will gladly download it to your wetware, but you may want to wait until the program gets out of beta testing. None of the “voluntary” recipients have yet survived the download intact. And Dat Ho is mightily angry about the clean up.

Anyway, as ‘Puter was saying, Mr. Dionne can’t define economic injustice because to do so would expose him once and for all as the mindless leftist shill he is. What Mr. Dionne is dying to say, but can’t, is that “economic injustice” encompasses any outcome with which prevailing leftist sentiment disagrees. “Economic injustice” is difficult to define because its meaning in any given moment shifts to whatever the softened minds of the coastal elite determine in their infinite wisdom is fair.

Government layoffs? Economically unjust.

Head Start funds cut? Economically unjust.

Foreclosing out underwater homeowners who haven’t made an interest-only payment in two years, made an initial 3% down payment, sucked money out of the house like it was an ATM? Economically unjust.

Cutting off welfare and unemployment benefits (but then, ‘Puter repeats himself) to able-bodied adults after a lengthy duration? Economically unjust.

Any Leftist policy preference thwarted? Economically unjust.

You get the picture.

So you see, Mr. Dionne’s “economic injustice” is not an economic term, it’s a policy argument masquerading as science. It’s Chomsky-riffic tweedle and Alinsky–tastic twaddle all rolled up into one giant, gummy ball of Leftie ass-hattery.

And we’re full circle to ‘Puter’s point a few days ago. Liberals believe the government has the duty and right to determine outcomes in every area of your life. If you don’t believe it, just ask Mr. Dionne.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.