Dearest Hollywood:

We understand you are contemplating increasing the time between a movie’s release on DVD or BluRay, and the time which Netflix and Redbox can stock the film for rental.

This is because you perceive more people would rather rent your films than buy them. As a result, sales of $40 discs are plummeting. Guess what? You are correct.

Increasing the length of time, you will find, will have no effect on this. Largely because the culprit is not Netflix or Redbox crowding out the home consumers, but because the vast majority of what you release is utter crap, and America doesn’t want to pay $40 to see a boy-band vampire picture.

There it is then. The truth.

Here are some other truths you cannot fathom. First, we understand you are at a loss to understand why 2D versions of movies tend to outsell 3D versions, which cost more per ticket. This is because most of your films are not worth watching in 2D, let alone 3D. And most 3D versions of films have one or two uncomfortable effects, and the rest is there to introduce migraines.

Another? We understand you are raising box office prices at theaters to make up for the loss of revenue, as people for some reason are no longer going to the movies. Maybe you should actually pay $70 to take a family to the movies, buy tickets, stock up on outrageous concession prices, and be given a miserable experience in an overly loud theater with an under-lumensed picture, 20 minutes or more of inane previews, and uncomfortable seating. Gosh, why would people stay home?

Well, not everyone is staying away: old-fashioned movies like Captain America seem to be out-selling ani-American screeds like The Hurt Locker, and rentals of Thor seems to be doing much better than the recently released Footloose. Guess why?

Ah, same reason: you are producing utter junk. You entire industry is based on finding a movie that turns even a modest profit, and then attempting to replicate the same formula with a weaker cast and shoddy writing. Guess what? The movie-going public—you know, the folks who pay your bill—are much smarter than you.

Let us look at last week.

Audiences could choose between Paranormal 3 (a freaking sequel that follows the same formula as used for the previous two—boring!), Footloose (a remake of a movie that didn’t need remaking), The Thing (a remake of a movie that didn’t need remaking), and The Three Musketeers (a movie that has nothing except its title in common with a classic work of literature, and that you somehow turned into a Pirates of the Caribbean-ripoff with ninja moves).

Now why would audiences consider staying home?

As always, the answer is a quick glance in the mirror. Hollywood was never industry populated by thinking people, but things have never been more intellectually bankrupt than they are today.

And so Redbox is raising their rental prices to $1.20. Fine. Because the Czar can treat his whole family to Real Steel for $1.20 in about five more months. God bless home entertainment.

Maybe the Czar is wrong. In which case, Hollywood, good luck with Jack and Jill. Looks like that will top Dolphin Tale for sure.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.