‘Puter’s eldest son is receiving the sacrament of confirmation this year. Mrs. ‘Puter collared ‘Puter last night after work to discuss the aforementioned impending event. During this conversation, ‘Puter learned he was being charged a $25.00 fee for the sacrament, and was reminded that ‘Puter was going to have to drag his tired carcass down to the local cathedral for the Mass.

‘Puter’s got no love for his bishop, Bp. Matthew Clark. In ‘Puter’s opinion, Bp. Clark has failed time and again to guide and to correct his flock, and his failures have personally impacted ‘Puter and his family, to their detriment. Bp. Clark is also far more liberal than ‘Puter would like, and that has led to tolerance of plainly heretical ideas and practices. See, e.g. Spiritus Christi (ne Corpus Christi).

Bp. Clark also raised a substantial amount of money to renovate the cathedral, which is all fine and dandy, except that he ripped out the high altar and communion rail. In place of the high altar, he installed a $600,000 pipe organ, so now it appears as if we are worshipping an organ (insert inappropriate sex scandal joke here).

So, when Mrs. ‘Puter sagely told ‘Puter to bitch to someone who cared because she was done listening to him and ‘Puter, Jr. was getting confirmed no matter what so ‘Puter’d better not screw it up, ‘Puter wrote the following missive to his parish’s pastor:

Fr. [Really Nice Guy],

[Mrs. ‘Puter] and I had a bit of a set-to last night concerning confirmation. Suffice it to say, she disagreed with me, and suggested I raise my issues with you. As such, I am writing to you, since it involves both our parish and the diocese. Here are my issues, with a brief discussion of each.

1. Time, place and date. I believe we’ve discussed it before, but I find it incredible that the Bp. Clark requires all parishes in the diocese to haul their confirmandi to the cathedral. [ed. — ‘Puter’s diocese stretches from Lake Ontario to the NY-PA border.]Further, holding confirmation on a Monday evening three weeks prior to Christmas is a burden on those of us who have relatives (my parents) to whom attendance at their grandson’s Church initiation is important. I’ve informally surveyed my friends from Boston to DC to Wisconsin, and none of their (arch)dioceses require them to truck to the cathedral to marvel at the giant organ and neat new seating plan their bishop/cardinal installed as a monument to self. There is no good reason Bp. Clark, an auxiliary bishop or an abbot cannot hold the sacrament at our parish, or even in conjunction with the three [local town] parishes. If the Archdiocese of Washington can manage it, and I’m betting they’ve got more parishes, then certainly Rochester can manage.

2. Fee. I was hot about this last night, but upon reflection, I believe I’m most irked about paying to be inconvenienced by a bishop who, for no discernible theological/scriptural/catechetical reason, requires us to do his bidding rather than the other way around. It seems to me the bishop ought be our servant, not the inverse. We can certainly afford the $25 fee, but to me (and not to [Mrs. ‘Puter]), it’s yet another galling example of the high-handedness with which the current bishop and his administration treat the rank and file pew sitters. I understand fees are normally charged for weddings/funerals/etc., but doing so for Confirmation just seems wrong. It seems as if we’re saying “Welcome to the Church. Where’s our money?” yet again. But, as I said, I’d probably not care one whit about this if I didn’t believe the bishop was inconveniencing everyone else for his benefit.

3. Catechesis. Honestly, I am disappointed twofold here. First, I am disappointed in that it did not appear that at the first meeting (last May), the diocese did not have its act together. Further, I was disappointed in that [one employee] and [another parish employee] argued in front of the assembled parents as to how our parish was going to deal with confirmation. Admittedly, as I am not [‘Puter, Jr.]’s sponsor, I have not attended either of the weekend sessions you’ve held. By all indications, they were informative. However, it seems that we are missing an opportunity to require a significantly more learning about the Church, leading to a more informed consent, prior to Confirmation.

All that said, I understand the Church (hierarchy and laity) is comprised of humans, and as such, is susceptible to the same flaws and foibles of the members comprising it. I also know that you have heard more than you’d like of my intense dislike/distrust of Bp. Clark’s failed leadership of our diocese. However, as a parish member, and your friend, I felt I should share with you my concerns. I know there’s not much you can do about them; however, if I’m thinking these thoughts, you can be assured that there are others in the parish who think so as well.

I’m available to discuss this with you should you wish. Just let me know.

Best,

[‘Puter]

‘Puter expects that he will be excommunicated shortly. Maybe it’s the 95 Feces he nailed to the cathedral’s door last night.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.