Hope For Some of You
Dear Occupy perverts and toolbags,
The Czar understands you want stuff, and suspects that deep down, perhaps, you might actually be willing to work to deserve your gotten gains. In that spirit, and to help the handful of you still left from the original protests—and not the radical commie asshats who took it over because they like to smash things—the Czar went out and found some want ads for you guys.
HELP WANTED: Need someone to sit around and gripe how the Xbox 360 isn’t better than the Wii because of the Kinect, because how are you going to play Modern Warfare with an imaginary rifle in your hands? $800,000/yr, B.A. Women’s Studies required.
INNOVATIVE? Self-starter? F500 company in aerospace industry needs a poet! Must have experience in pre-Revolutionary French poetry. Light scanning required. $380,000/yr.
POSITION AVAILABLE; Start immediately! Earn $500K/yr or more at home. Browse web all day looking for funny demotivational posters. Must have basement couch and Mac. Fine arts major a plus.
IS THIS YOU? International accounting and investment banking consulting firm willing to pay six digits to someone who is mad all the time. Must have no interesting hobbies or skills, but should be willing to get into an argument with a total stranger over the price of small hazelnut coffee. If you’re this unpleasant, we’ve got a great future for you!
WANTED: If you make your own comic books graphic novels at home about your aimless life, small sandwich shop outside downtown needs you! Become a graphic sandich artist, making subs, grinders, and other statements about social inclusion to order. Like all sandwich makers, we pay top dollar, including lavish bonuses, personal jet, car and driver. Independent musicians who think all commercialization is crap are also welcome (sans instruments).
WE NEED YOU: Despise capitalism? Sick of the Man putting you down? Jackasses in military industrial complex got you thinking how minorities are to blame? Rapidly growing pro-statist political action group needs you for beer hall putsch in Munich. Help us make this one successful! We know you’ll be an easy fit!
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.