As ‘Puter may have mentioned once or twice before, he’s an attorney working in house at a boutique financial company. Some have referred to ‘Puter’s company’s niche as a vulture fund, but that’s for another day.

More to the point of the post, ‘Puter spent 21 years of his life in some form of education, from Souther Baptist pre-school, to public school kindergarten, to Catholic primary schools, to Jesuit secondary and college educations, to a law degree from a top 20 law school. ‘Puter’s years spent toiling to learn the intricacies of language, law and argument resulted in the following three paragraphs ‘Puter penned today for a client:

In the event collateral for any Note is liquidated as provided for herein before the Discounted Payoff is received, and further assuming that the net collateral liquidation proceeds exceed the UPB and Accrued Interest and Fees for such Note, and such Note is the sole remaining Note which a Guarantor has guaranteed, then such Guarantor shall be entitled to receive an amount equal to the net liquidation proceeds exceeding the UPB and Accrued Interest and Fees for such Note multiplied by one divided by the number of Guarantors total for such Note.

As an example, for a Note, assume net collateral liquidation proceeds in the amount of $500,000.00. Assume that Note’s UPB and Accrued Interest and Fees total $400,000. Assume for one Guarantor, this Note is the sole remaining Note he has guaranteed. Assume that there are four Guarantors total on the Note. The Guarantor at issue shall receive $25,000.00 from the net collateral liquidation proceeds. This amount is calculated as: ($500,000.00 – $400,000.00) * ¼ = $25,000.00.

Any amounts payable to any Guarantor under this Section 2.4 shall be limited to the lesser of (1) the amount calculated hereunder and (2) the net collateral liquidation proceeds for such Note less the Note’s UPB and Accrued Interest and Fees multiplied by such Guarantor’s ownership percentage in the Note’s Borrower.*

This paragraph is an object lesson in two things: (1) why people hate attorneys and (2) why attorneys command high rates. No one else can take a concept and make it impenetrable like an attorney. If you’re on the receiving end of such attenuated language, you hate attorneys for making your head hurt. If you’re on the giving end of such language, you pay dearly to have attorneys draft such language to stick it to the recipient, and you hate attorneys for it.

People hate us, but we still get paid.

*Capitalized terms are defined elsewhere in the agreement at issue, for those of you in the legal field who would otherwise write ‘Puter to berate him for his patent incompetence.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.