Your Czarness,

Greetings from your Bongburgher.

I have a contact on Capitol Hill which has provided me with an early draft of the President’s SOTU. I submit it to you via passenger pigeon as part of the historical record. It is, I fear, the only copy in existence.

Good hunting,

B.B.
——-

The State of the Union, as prepared: (draft)

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

Last month, I went to Andrews Air Force Base and welcomed home some of our last troops to serve in Iraq. For the first time in more than nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq. Let me juxtapose this with the fact that, for the first time in more than nine years, Osama bin Laden is not a threat to this country, even though I have long maintained that there is absolutely no connection between the service of our brave fighting men and women in Iraq and the fact that the Taliban’s momentum has been broken.

These achievements are a testament to the courage, selflessness, and teamwork of America’s Armed Forces. At a time when too many of our institutions have let us down, they exceed my very low expectations. They’re not consumed with personal vanity. They don’t obsess over their differences in race, religion, social or economic standing. They focus on the mission at hand, not content to give a flowery speech while letting their dwindling number of congressional allies do the heavy lifting.

Imagine what I could do if I followed their example. Unfortunately, I must spend too much of my valuable personal time promoting our nation’s golf courses, tourist attractions, and soda fountains.

My grandfather, then an honorably discharged veteran of Patton’s Army, in a story that will never appear in a history book, personally liberated Auschwitz by clinging to his guns, religion, and a handcrafted mess kit made from organic materials manufactured on an assembly line by my grandmother in a union shop using green energy.

We can either settle for a country where a shrinking number of ivy league graduates do really well, or we can restore an economy where everyone plays by the same rules. Because the goal of the progressive vision now is to restore America to the world of the 1950s – an America that promised if you worked hard, you could do well enough to raise a family, own a home, send your kids to college, and let someone else take care of your retirement.

Let’s remember how we got here. Long before the recession, and thus totally unconnected from it, jobs and manufacturing began leaving our shores. More recently, technology made businesses more efficient and made some jobs obsolete. Folks at the top saw their incomes rise like never before. So these three things: Technology, Efficiency, and Rising Incomes are to blame for our recession. QED.

In 2008, a year that I will never forget, the house of cards collapsed. We learned that mortgages had been sold to people who could not afford or understand them. Banks had made huge bets with other people’s money, knowing they were too big to fail and that, provided they were well connected with political leaders, regulators would look the other way.

It was wrong. It was irresponsible. And to make sure that it never happens in exactly the same way again, I have made many of those responsible my most trusted advisers and confidants, while the rest I have pilloried publicly, holding them accountable for the poor decisions of others.

In one period of time four million jobs were lost. In another period of time four million jobs were lost. Those are some facts. So are these: Two plus Two is Four. Pluto is not a planet. American manufacturers are creating jobs for the first time since the late 1990s. Together manufacturers and I have agreed to cut the deficit by more than $2 million. And we have put in place new rules to hold Wall Street accountable to federal regulators.

The 57 states of our union are getting stronger. And we have traveled too far down the road I have led you to turn back. As long as I am President, I will work with anyone who agrees with me. But I will fight obstruction with extra-constitutional action. And I will oppose any effort to return to the very same policies that brought on this economic crisis in the first place.

No longer will Americans fear the specters of Technology, Efficiency, and Rising Incomes.

This blueprint begins with American manufacturing.

What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other cities. It could happen in Milwaukee or Pittsburgh or Raleigh. [Srsly, should we be holding Detroit up as our model of the future? Oh, screw it. No one is paying attention, just include some shout-outs to purple states –Ed.]

Hello Cleveland!

Hello Kitty!

My message to business leaders is simple. Ask yourselves what you can do for the AFL-CIO, or I will seize your assets, defraud your bondholders, and cast you as villains.

We should start with our tax code. It is incredibly complicated, so complicated, in fact, that my own secretary of the Treasury could not figure it out despite the best software available on the open market. It is even more complicated for businesses and manufacturers who can, with the help of an army of accountants and lawyers, position themselves to take advantage of deductions, exemptions and tax shelters. Therefore, tonight I propose a new set of deductions, exemptions, and tax shelters that will cure the problems caused by the ones that already exist.

We are also making it easier for American businesses to sell products all over the planet. I will go anywhere in the world to open new markets for American products – especially if it is a warm and sunny location. But if Norway needs butter, I will sell it to them myself. If Iran wants centrifuges and mass spectrometers for medicinal purposes, I will hand deliver them. If North Korea’s new leader wants to supplement his late father’s movie collection, I will send him the latest releases in the digital or analog format of his choice. And if Pakistan wants the latest military helicopter or drone with stealth technology, I will send them one on spec.

America’s future lies in manufacturing tires and antagonizing our existing trading partners.

Tonight I am announcing the creation of a Trade Enforcement Unit whose sole function is to remind China of the humiliation that nation suffered as a result of the Opium Wars. Here’s what they will do: they will investigate unfair trade practices in China, prevent counterfeit or unsafe goods from China from crossing our borders, and they will open new markets in China for American goods and services by dividing China into ‘spheres of influence’ so that American manufacturers can compete on a level playing field in China. To sum up, we will address the problems of the 21st century by using the methods that failed so horribly in the 19th.

Our workers are the most productive on Earth.

There is no possible way to segue to my next point, but here goes: Many business leaders in the United States can’t find workers with the right skills.

Growing industries have more job openings than those in decline. Think about that – industry, which, you know, produces the goods and services that make up our economy, is constantly adjusting and adapting to change.

That’s inexcusable. And we know how to fix it.

Here is an anecdote in which an evil corporation got so fed up with the educational system that it took over the apparatus of a community college in order to train a worker, thus ensuring that she has the necessary skills and aptitude before giving her a paycheck.

This is what I like to call “a solution in need of a problem”. Since these and like partnerships exist and seem to function perfectly well, we must pour federal money into our community colleges, thus restoring them to their rightful place – career centers for paper shuffling administrators living off the public trough, exploiters of adjunct instructors and occupiers of valuable real estate.

And I want to cut through the maze of confusing training programs, so that from now on, people have only one place to go for all the information and help they need. Because if there’s one thing the federal government is good at, it’s making one-size-fits-all databases and putting them up on the web. Just ask my good friend Joe Biden, here, about his work with recovery.org.

But challenges remain. And we know how to solve them. And since knowing is half the battle, we’re already halfway there.

I believe as strongly as I ever have that we should take on illegal immigration. The fact that there are fewer illegal crossings today than four years ago has nothing at all to do with our nation’s economic downturn. And my administration has put more boots on the border than ever before. [OMG!!! Do you think anyone will get the Boot Hill ref? LOL!!! – Ed.]

Red tape is bad. So, when I get back from my next vacation, I will sign an Executive Order banning the use of red tape in all construction projects. The bridge to America’s future will be held together not with red tape but by American-made duct tape!

Remember how I talked about banks selling people mortgages that they couldn’t understand? And how they took big bets with other people’s money? And how regulators looked the other way? No? Good. Now listen here:

I’m sending this Congress a plan that gives homeowners a chance to save $3,000 a year on their mortgage, by refinancing at historically low interest rates that I heard about on a radio ad. No red tape. No questions asked. I will demand that banks give you free money, then pay for this by assessing them a fee which in no way could possibly be passed on to you. And, unlike my “Making Home Affordable” program, this one will be heavily advertised on television with a catchy theme song and images of people who look just like people who might need help.

We’ve already paid the price for lenders who sold mortgages to people who couldn’t afford them, so this time we should be able to get them for free, or at least a steep discount.

Right now, our most immediate priority is stopping a tax hike on working Americans while the economy is still fragile. Because I recognize that failing to extend a tax cut is the same as a tax hike. Right now, we are poised to spend nearly $1 trillion on what was supposed to be a temporary tax break for people who make more than me. Let me be perfectly clear: Refusing to extend a tax cut is not the same as a tax hike.

Jimmy Buffett rules!

All government spending is an investment. But when a wealthy individual invests his or her own money, that can be problematic. That kind of investment might result in the person becoming wealthier, setting up a cycle in which the rich get richer and the poor stay poor. I think we can all agree that we would feel better off if the wealthiest Americans just poured their money into a big hole and then covered it up with dirt. This would also create jobs.

I’m a Democrat. So when you hear me say that my education plan offers more competition and local control, you know I’m not really serious. But my Republican friends who complain about Government spending, like my best buddy Tom Coburn, are hypocrites, because they drive on federally financed roads and hold federal office.

So there it is. No one built this country on their own. This nation is great because we built it together. No credit should be given to those who came before us, and no quarter should be granted to those who refuse to get with the program.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.