Sure, the ever-enchanting Ms. Dowd was born and raised in Washington, D.C., like three of your six Gormogons. But she’s able to blast out incredibly racist sentiments in a completely unaware fashion like a native Bostonian, so ‘Puter’s crediting her as a Boston native.* Or, as ‘Puter likes to call Bostonians, Massholes.

In today’s vile screed, Ms. Dowd manages to disparage the Roman Catholic Church, immigrants generally, and not one but two racial groups in the course of one column. Hell, she manages to offend two races in one sentence. That’s Klan-like efficiency. Nice work, Mo Do.

You think ‘Puter’s kidding? Here. Judge for yourself.

The satanic rap was merely the latest illustration of the renewed fascination with the ancient rite of exorcism. After languishing in the Catholic Church, exorcisms are back in fashion. In 2004, worried about the rise of the occult, Pope John Paul II asked Cardinal Ratzinger, the head of the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith who went on to become Pope Benedict XVI, to direct bishops around the world to appoint and train exorcists in their dioceses.

The infusion of Hispanic and African Catholics to the U.S., with their more intense belief in the supernatural, has brought a fresh demand.

You see? According to Ms. Dowd, not only is the Roman Catholic Church full of stupid, backwards old men who believe in good and evil, it’s full of stupid minorities. Foreign minorities. Foreign minorities who are full of quaint, naive, backwards, unenlightened superstitions because they’re not bright enough to know any better. Not, as Ms. Dowd implies, the marginally more intelligent minorities that America breeds to work low paying jobs, provide reliable Democratic votes and sell Ms. Dowd her weed and crack. Over time, though, ‘Puter’s certain that Ms. Dowd will shoulder the White Man’s Burden and ennoble the tawny-skinned heathen savages.

Someone please remind ‘Puter again how the Republican party manages to let itself be tarred as the party of backwards, racist asshats, when all it has to do is stand next to Ms. Dowd and point. Or mention that recently (permanently) retired scion of the Senate Robert Byrd (D-WV) was a high-ranking Klansman. Or note that Rep. Louis Slaughter was a willing beneficiary of Kentucky educational segregation at the university level.

Ms. Dowd’s statements are as condescendingly racist as any ‘Puter’s heard spoken publicly. The New York Times and Ms. Dowd should be ashamed. Both Ms. Dowd and her employer owe America a retraction and a real apology, with no “I’m sorry if you were offended …” horseshit.

Don’t hold your breath.

*For proof of Boston’s innate racist tendencies, see the ongoing chronicle of Tawmmy from Quinzee, Boston sports fan extraordinaire, over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.