SyncMare
The Inscrutable Mandarin and the Czar of Muscovy have been touring parts of the country recently, pulling in new members and followers and minions from all over the place. For this, we wanted to terrify and strike awe into all those who oppose us, yet maintain a modicum of style and comfort. To that end, we rented a Lincoln MKX which got really good gas mileage.
But it also came with the intensely irritating and frustrating Sync system. For those who use Microsoft Windows, you know how frustrating it is to try to get something done in a hurry, but you have to download updates and receive bizarre messages and errors? Now power your car with that.
Okay, first of all, if you’re ever sojourning with the Mandarin, you need to understand that he tolerates about two seconds of a song on the radio before he changes it. You barely figure out that it’s something cool like Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom” before he stabs the button and jumps to Billy Squier. And God help you if the next radio station is playing The Byrds, because he jumps off that. And then jumps off that. Okay, get the idea? He’s like that dude that tries to watch all the cable stations at once by leaning on the channel up button. But with audio.
Also, here is the deal with the Sync system: everything in the vehicle except for the speedometer is glass. Picture a big iPad in the center console. You want to turn something on? You tap the screen and [boop] the thing turns on after a two-second delay. Turn something off? [boop]. Also, if the car wants you to know something, it produces a [boop] and pops up a message. And sometimes a lady’s voice talks to you to give you updates.
Horrific. You spend more time looking at the screen, dismissing messages, reading popups, and dealing with these offers to improve your driving experience than you do watching the damn road. The whole trip is like this:
XM Radio: And next up on 80’s on 8 is Duran Du—[boop]—hound dog, cryin’ all the—[boop]—ock me tonight!
MKZ: [boop] Would you like a diagnostic report of your vehicle’s performance? If yes, press yes. If no, press “Remind me later.”
Mandarin: Push no.
Czar: There is no no. There’s only yes and remind me.
Mandarin: Whatever.
Czar: Okay, remind me. [boop] Do we have to listen to this?
Mandarin: Put something else on. Here. [boop]
XM Radio: —don’t like it. Rock the Casb—[boop]—of every head he’s had the—[boop]—Been a long time since I rock and rolled….
Czar: Leave this on!
Mandarin: Okay!
MKZ: [boop] Would you like a tutorial on using the headlights? Push yes for yes, or no for no.
Mandarin: Not now! [boop]
MKZ: [boop]
Czar: What the hell was that?
Mandarin: Apparently the hazards have been on for the last minute. [boop]
Czar: Now the wipers turned on. Here. [boop] There.
MKZ: [boop] Would you like a diagnostic report of your vehicle’s performance? If yes, press yes. If no, press “Remind me later.”
Mandarin: Push yes, or she’s going to keep asking us.
Czar: Good idea. [boop]
MKZ: This feature is not available now. Push yes for yes. If no, press “Remind me later.”
Czar: I said yes. [boop]
MKZ: This feature is not available now. Push yes for yes. If no, press “Remind me later.”
Czar: We’re trapped! The stupid thing is stuck in a loop. [boop] She’ll be back.
XM Radio: And that was Led Zepp—[boop]—aby don’t hurt me, baby—[boop]—ild white horses couldn’t—[boop]—eet dreams are made of this…
Czar: Stop screwing with the radio!
MKZ: [boop] Would you like some fascinating information on keeping coyotes as pets? Push yes for yes, or remind me later for no. [boop]
Mandarin: This SUV is insane.
Czar: It’s nuts.
Mandarin: No, really, I think it’s insane. It’re HALed out on us. Did Ford force it to lie and it went schizo, or what?
MKZ: [boop] Would you like to cuddle with the coyote? Push eyelid for yes, and warthog for melon baller.
Czar: We need to get [boop] out of this [boop] thing! Pull over!
Mandarin: I can’t! I can’t [boop] find the steering wheel release button! [boop]
And so we drove the vehicle straight into a bridge embankment to kill it. And it apparently worked. We stumbled out of the smoking wreck and ran. We ran and ran for miles until we stopped to throw up a little bit.
Finally a Kentucky state trooper pulled up next to us to see if we needed help. After recognizing who we were, he drove us to our hotel where we checked in. The Czar went to his room and collapsed onto the bed, exhausted.
And about thirty minutes later, the Czar woke up to sense a strange presence in the room.
[boop]
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.