Cultural Catholics, Liberal Columnists, President Obama and Other Pretenders
The last few days have seen a rash of rationalizing columns from the liberal nominally Catholic nomenklatura. And yes, ‘Puter means to use “rash” in its most nasty, suppurating, syphilitic form to describe the detached ramblings of Maureen Dowd (here, in Sunday’s New York Times; here in today’s NYT) and E.J. Dionne (here, in today’s Washington Post).
Before ‘Puter tears down Ms. Dowd (a/k/a MoDo, the PoMo Ho) and Mr. Dionne’s columns, he has this question for his faithful minions. What’s with the sudden plague of liberal, nominally Catholic liberal elites trashing the Holy Mother Church? In ‘Puter’s feeble mind, there are two answers:
1. Liberals, especially their lackeys in the media, are terrified that The Great And Powerful O is blowing his reelection. See, e.g., Michael Gerson’s competing column in yesterday’s Washington Post, here.
2. Liberals want to discredit the Church’s moral authority in order thereby to discredit the Church’s criticism of Obama’s contraception mandate specifically and ObamaCare generally. See, e.g., Archbishop Donald Wuerl’s explanatory column in today’s Washington Post, here.
To liberals, it’s a win-win. Return their secular savior to the White House and smash the greatest perceived obstacle to his institution of heaven on Earth (i.e., the overweening liberal nanny state), the Roman Catholic Church.
‘Puter’s got some thoughts on these topics, in excruciating detail, but he’s short on time at the moment. Perhaps ‘Puter will return to the topic at a later time. Then again, if ‘Puter gets to the vodka first, a return to this topic, let alone any coherent topic, is unlikely.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.