‘Puter’s amid three of the biggest deals of his professional career at the moment.  So, naturally, Mrs. ‘Puter informs ‘Puter he’s got to leave work at 2:15 to pick up ‘Puter, Jr. at Jesuit Institution of Lower Learning (“JILL,” for short) and ferry ‘Puter, Jr. to a dentist appointment across town scheduled for 3:00.

It hasn’t really rained Upstate in two weeks. Today, at 2:00, the heavens opened and thunderstorms commenced to lash the area with heavy rain, high winds and hail.  Regardless, ‘Puter dutifully walks out to his ‘Putermobile and humps his weary ass across town to fetch and to deliver ‘Puter, Jr. to his dentist appointment.

Imagine ‘Puter’s delight when ‘Puter, Jr. hops in the ‘Putermobile, sloshing water onto the editing ‘Puter brought to occupy his time in the waiting room, and declares he had received not one but two JUGs* from the same teacher today.  To call ‘Puter ticked off at his spawn would be to significantly understate his level of consternation.**

‘Puter pried some of the details out of ‘Puter, Jr. during the rain-soaked drive, but ‘Puter, Jr. kept the more sordid details to himself.  ‘Puter got ‘Puter, Jr. to his appointment, deposited him at home and returned to the office to continue his work.  Mrs. ‘Puter called ‘Puter about 20 minutes after ‘Puter returned, fired up beyond all recognition. ‘Puter tried calming her down, telling her of course the spawn would be punished.  In between threats against her son’s life the likes of which ‘Puter’d never be able to duplicate, Mrs. ‘Puter asked if ‘Puter had seen ‘Puter, Jr.’s teacher’s email.

‘Puter hurriedly sorted through his inbox, finding the source of Mrs. ‘Puter’s rage:

Mr. and Mrs. [‘Puter],

I wanted to bring your attention to an incident that happened today in class. Recently [‘Puter, Jr.] has been making comments under his breath, but most prevalent today. The comments, I find, to be extremely disrespectful such as “someone else should teach this class” or “this is pointless”. The comments are loud enough to suggest an intention of being heard. He was asked to leave class today, given the assignment and returned later, during flex, and continued such comments. He has had a very negative attitude towards me and any activity we seem to be doing in class.

I told [‘Puter, Jr.] that he can be mad at me if he wants, but I am still available to answer any questions that he has. He did not yet take advantage of that offer.

I believe some of this is stemmed from a frustration (to what extent, I am not sure) of the material. He seems to not enjoy review assignments, which we will be doing for the next 3 days. Although he has done well throughout the year, the material is more challenging than he was used to seeing in Math 7 and he will need to put forth more of an effort in order to familiarize himself with what has been covered.

A positive attitude can go a long way!

Thank you for your time. If you have any questions please feel free to continue the discuss. I am open to any and all suggestions on how to proceed in dealing with this.

Thank you,

[‘Puter, Jr.’s Teacher]

‘Puter took a few moments to calm down after hanging up with Mrs. ‘Puter.  After sufficient mood-stabilizing swigs from Czar’s seemingly endless stash of Cointreau and Castrol, ‘Puter replied as follows:

Dear [‘Puter, Jr.’s Teacher],

Thank you for your email. It is much appreciated, as it confirms many of my suspicions regarding [‘Puter, Jr.’s] unacceptable behavior in your class today.

[‘Puter, Jr.] had a dentist appointment* at 3:00 this afternoon, so I picked him up at [JILL] at 2:30. To [‘Puter, Jr.’s] credit, he immediately told me he had talked himself into not merely one, but two JUGs. I asked [‘Puter, Jr.] what he had done to deserve such negative attention from you.

[‘Puter, Jr.] told me he received the first JUG for “mumbling” and “making noise” while tasked with review worksheets. I asked him what specifically he said, and he avoided answering. I pressed him, asking if he had referred to you, to a fellow student or to your class in a negative manner. Again, he again avoided the issue. I took from [‘Puter, Jr.’s] evasiveness that he had been disrespectful to you at a minimum.

As for the second JUG, [‘Puter, Jr.] informed me he had objected to the first JUG. Upon examination, [‘Puter, Jr.] admitted he had disrespectfully and loudly done so in front of your class. I told him in no uncertain terms his behavior was not acceptable. I told [‘Puter, Jr.] it is never appropriate to address a teacher in such manner, and even more inappropriate to do so in front of anyone else, much less in front of a classroom full of students.

We fully support your decision to reward [‘Puter, Jr.’s] patently unacceptable behavior with two JUGs. It is your classroom, run by your rules. If you believe a conference regarding [‘Puter, Jr.’s] conduct would be helpful, one or both of us will make ourselves available at your convenience. If you have any further issues with [‘Puter, Jr.] – any at all – please call me.

As to the academic issues, I have noticed [‘Puter, Jr.] seems to be increasingly frustrated with what he considers “busy work.” I believe that “busy work” for [‘Puter, Jr.] means “things he doesn’t quite understand fully.” I agree that part of his dismissive behavior results from not completely grasping the material and being unwilling or unable to admit he needs assistance to do so. [‘Puter, Jr.] also shows an increased tendency to work only as hard as he thinks he needs to work to achieve his desired result, and not just in school. I hold [‘Puter, Jr.] to the same academic standard my father held me: work as hard as you can and behave yourself, and good grades will come. Effort and conduct are what ultimately drive success, in the classroom and in life. Clearly, [‘Puter, Jr.] is failing to meet this standard.

We will discuss with [‘Puter, Jr.] his academic issues as well, with an eye toward encouraging him to seek out help from you (and other teachers) on his own. We do not want to seek the help on [‘Puter, Jr.’s] behalf, except as may be absolutely necessary. It is most important for [‘Puter, Jr.] to learn to self-evaluate his academic performance, to realize when he needs assistance and to seek appropriate assistance on his own. Of course, we are monitoring and supporting [‘Puter, Jr.] as he learns to do so. We are open to any suggestions you may have to assist in this process. Again, we are available to a conference at your convenience if you think it is advisable.

In conclusion, I apologize to you for my son’s behavior. [‘Puter, Jr.] is well aware his behavior today was an embarrassment not only to him, but to his family as well. We will not tolerate such behavior. [‘Puter, Jr.] is at home as I write this drafting a note of apology to you for my review. If you do not receive [‘Puter, Jr.’s] note tomorrow, I would appreciate you letting me know. Further, rest assured [‘Puter, Jr.] will be appropriately punished in order to dissuade him from behaving in such a manner again.

Regards,

[‘Puter]

‘Puter and Mrs. ‘Puter will be having a sit-down with ‘Puter, Jr. this evening.  And it’s not going to go well for one of us.  Most likely for ‘Puter, Jr., but ‘Puter’s been known in such situations to inadvertently call in an airstrike from Mrs. ‘Puter on his own position. 

*JUG is the Jesuit equivalent of detention. ‘Puter’s heard it referred to as short for “Judgment Under God,” but in the Jesuit Institution of Lower Learning ‘Puter attended, it was “Justice Under God.” ‘Puter, Jr.’s JILL states JUG is short for “jugum,” the Latin word for “yoke.” Under any definition, JUG is unpleasant, providing Jesuits an opportunity to exercise their creative powers to inflict pain while educating you further. 

**To tell the entire story, before the other Gormogons rat him out, ‘Puter was a charter member of the 30 Plus Club at his JILL.  That is, ‘Puter received over 30 JUGs his senior year.  If ‘Puter’s remembering correctly, far over 30 JUGs, and mostly for the same sort of loud-mouthed disrespectfulness for which ‘Puter, Jr. is now gaining notoriety.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.