‘Puter’s been working 70-80 hour weeks of late, living the glamorous life of Obama-proclaimed rich, drafting and reviewing contracts concerning asset acquisition, corporate entity creation, ownership structures and cost sharing/recovery schemes. ‘Puter’s sexy and he knows it. And you’re envious of the life of ease, luxury and opulence ‘Puter and his fellow One-Percenters have, chained to our keyboards from dawn ’til dusk, day after interminable day. 

So why does ‘Puter rage at the Obama Administration’s official “the [not so rich — ed] rich are screwing the poor and working class” mantra, dutifully parroted by Obama’s sycophantic media catamites?

Because, g-d dammit, ‘Puter (not to mention the rest of your Gormogons) have worked our ever-loving asses off to get where we are.

‘Puter may be the least educated of all your Gormogons, and he’s got nineteen years of schooling, not counting his Southern Baptist pre-school and crime-ridden District Heights Elementary School kindergarten experience.  With twenty years of schooling, they put you on the day shift. 

After his stellar early childhood education, ‘Puter went on to sixteen consecutive years of Roman Catholic education, eight of those years spent with the Jesuits. That’s eight years of primary school divided between two local Washington, D.C. area Roman Catholic grade schools, four years of secondary education at the best Roman Catholic high school in D.C., and four years of college in the top 25 most rigorous academically, ahead of Stanford and Yale, for whatever that’s worth. ‘Puter then attended a top 20 law school on a full academic scholarship.

‘Puter tells you this not by way of bragging, because those who know ‘Puter knows that he thinks formal education is among the least important indicators of a person’s character.  But what is relevant about ‘Puter’s educational resume is not that he attended competitive schools, surrounded by and in direct competition with people smarter than he, but that ‘Puter excelled in this environment, outcompeting some of the best and brightest.  And let ‘Puter tell you, it takes commitment and long hours of work to do so.

‘Puter now works at a small company he’s helped build from three employees to nearly fifty. ‘Puter’s also a shareholder in the company. He’s worked hard — exceptionally hard at times — to get where he is today. He’s outcompeted most of his educational peers, and outcompetes his business peers now.

America used to be a place where people who worked hard and got ahead were respected for their hard work. Americans didn’t used to begrudge businessmen the fruits of their labor.  Envy, sure, but secretly we all hoped to hit it big someday, through luck or skill or a combination of the two.

No more.  Meritocracy is dying.  The only place many Americans think meritocracy ought to apply today is on the athletic field, and even then only at the NCAA level and above.

Every day ‘Puter hears the angry bureaucrats and know-it-all pundits, not to mention the Obama Administration, denigrating ‘Puter for his hard work. ‘Puter’s government is now telling ‘Puter he’s not pulling his wait, despite paying more than 33% of his income in various taxes to various governments. People who have never paid income tax in their lives are voting themselves raises out of ‘Puter’s wallet.  Well, enough.

People like ‘Puter (and the rest of your Gormogons) built, and continue to build, this country through their hard work. ‘Puter’s done sitting back and getting bad mouthed for his efforts. It’s about damned time someone who actually produces wealth and funds the government spoke the truth.

If you’re a functional adult, sitting at home on your ass, collecting a check from the government (really, ‘Puter and the rest of the “rich”), get off your ass and get a job.  If you can’t find a job, make one.  If you can’t make one, then too damned bad. ‘Puter’s had it with your bitching and moaning. If you’re taking a handout, have the decency to sit down, shut the heck up and be thankful there’s anyone willing to pay your worthless ass anything whatsoever.

If you’re a recent college graduate who spent six years in college pursuing a bullshit degree, paying for his beer and slutty coeds with student loans subsidized by ‘Puter and the rest of the rich, shut the Hell up.  You made a piss poor decision, and it’s your own damned fault you’re unemployable now.  Any moron entering college in the last 40 years could have foreseen the lack of a job market for puppeteers, Black Studies graduates and other made up quackery. You made yourself unemployable, and spent yourself bankrupt doing so. Enjoy your non-dischargeable student loan debt, asshats.

For anyone who went into low-skilled manufacturing jobs from 1980 onward, ‘Puter’s got no sympathy for you now.  It was apparent then, as it is now, that low-skilled jobs were migrating overseas.  Going into the job regardless, crossing your finger and hoping for the best is a crappy life plan, and now it’s caught up with you.  Again, not ‘Puter’s fault.  ‘Puter’s not your parent; he’s got zero obligation to either care about your problems or pay to support you.

For public sector employees getting outsized benefits thanks to ‘Puter and his fellow “rich,” watch out. We’re on to you now.  You’ve fattened yourself at the public trough long enough.  Worse, you’ve funded your unions and your lobbyists with tax dollars, at the expense of the school children, the disabled and the elderly. You’ve used tax money to corrupt public officials to write laws so you retire at 55 with a $75,000 pension for life, and can’t be fired or even effectively disciplined.  Most, if not all of you, provide little if any benefit.

If you’re on Social Security and Medicare, ‘Puter’s tired of you.  The system’s broke and collapsing, and you’re sitting around navel-gazing, pretending that President Obama’s going to mount his magic unicorn, ascend to the heavens and browbeat God into providing a new Garden of Eden just for your own special snowflake retirement free of charge can just suck it.  There’s no such thing as a free ride, and the government already spent every thin dime you paid into the system, so quit your “I paid in, and I’m getting mine now” attitude. ‘Puter hopes the system collapses while you’re still alive so you can reap what you have sown.  Selfish, shortsighted jerks, the lot of you.

Sure, these are harsh words.  But they’re true, and you know it. ‘Puter’s pissed off because he’s tired of being cast as the villain, told he’s morally obligated to support the doddering Great Society and New Deal get-rich-for-free wealth redistribution programs that have damned generations of Americans to government dependency.  And 99% of the time, the people screaming at ‘Puter about how the finance industry is evil, or how ‘Puter’s rich, so he shouldn’t care how much he pays in taxes are the same freeloaders ‘Puter castigates above.  Screw that noise.

‘Puter and the rest of his “rich” cohort aren’t “rich” through luck.  We’re rich through hard work, years of it.  We worked hard at school.  We work hard at work.  Most of us have fought hard for everything we have, and we’ll be damned if we’re willing to continue to fork it over for a bunch of ingrates. We have gotten to our station in life through merit (well, except for the Kennedys).

Think of it this way.

‘Puter just got done an 80 hour week of crunching through documents, hunched over his keyboard late into the evening, every evening.  How many hours did you work last week?

‘Puter last had a full day off on April 12, 2012, nearly a month ago. What did you do last weekend? ‘Puter’d like to know, because he didn’t get last weekend off.  Or the weekend before that.  Or the prior one either.

‘Puter’s company could go belly up tomorrow, costing ‘Puter his job and destroying most of the wealth he’s built for himself, and hopefully for his self-funded retirement.  Assuming you have a job, what’s your risk?

As noted, ‘Puter busted his hump for nineteen years of education. When ‘Puter figured out during his junior year of college that a philosophy degree was a one-way ticket to the unemployment line or the faculty lounge (but then, ‘Puter repeats himself), he reexamined his plans, refocused and set his sights on law school.  Through some planning, and a lot of luck, ‘Puter managed through a combination of high LSATs, decent grades and stunning good looks to get a free ride.  When’s the last time you changed course mid-stream when you realized something wasn’t working?

‘Puter’s nominally rich not because he took your stuff, but because he earned it. ‘Puter merited it. And that’s the way America works. And President Obama is committed to exactly the opposite result, an America in which every day is an “Everybody Gets A Trophy Day.”

Enjoy your unearned trophies, you worthless flecks of spittle. Bask in the warm delusion that you’ve somehow done something worthy of recognition, much less a steady paycheck. Because ‘Puter knows that somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that you haven’t earned what you’re getting; you’re dependent on others for your existence. It’s only by pretending that the rich are screwing you that you can keep the shame from bubbling to the surface.

Pretend all you want. But ‘Puter’s done pretending. You want your fair share? Fine. ‘Puter’s more than willing to provide you what you’ve actually earned, what you’ve produced or contributed, what you merit.

Not so sure you want to take ‘Puter up on his offer now, are you?

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.