If everybody’s super, no one is.

‘Puter frequently rails against the American education system, for what it has done and what it has failed to do. ‘Puter frequently blames teachers’ unions, teachers and administrators for the system’s problems. Certainly, each of these groups is culpable to an extent. Today, let’s take a look at parents bent on ruining American education.

In a town south of Austin, Texas, a young adult named LaChastity Hewitt caused a disturbance in her classroom and refused to leave.  The classroom teacher notified the school’s “resource officer” (a/k/a local policeman), who came to remove Ms. Hewitt.  Ms. Hewitt took exception to the resource officer, attempted to punch him, at which point the officer physically subdued the delightful Ms. Hewitt.

Ms. Hewitt’s family is upset with the local constabulary and the school district.  You see, Ms. Hewitt’s family is concerned the as yet unresolved charges will negatively affect Ms. Hewitt’s college prospects.  Fair enough. ‘Puter expects that colleges may be interested if their prospective admittees show a predisposition to violently assaulting law enforcement officers.

But here’s the kicker.  Why does Ms. Hewitt’s family have any expectation that Ms. Hewitt should attend college in the first instance?  You see, Ms. Hewitt’s mother admits Ms. Hewitt “suffers from mild mental retardation and an intellectual disability.” In America, even the mentally retarded and intellectually disabled are now college material.

Here’s the money grafs from the article, showing just how far America has fallen:

Hewitt is a special needs student. 

Her mom, Kathryn Hewitt, says she suffers from mild mental retardation and an intellectual disability, which causes her to have behavioral problems.

“She needs help with making decisions,” Kathryn Hewitt said.

Now her mom is worried these charges could ruin her daughter’s future.

“It could keep her from getting into college. It could mess up her job opportunities and just moving forward with her life,” said Kathryn Hewitt.

Americans now actually believe that mentally retarded people are college material.  If you want to know why our education system sucks ass, it’s because of wrongheaded notions such as this.  America tolerates this horseshit because we don’t want to seem mean.  We don’t want to tell anyone no.  After all, with enough love and enough accommodations, anyone can succeed. We are all God’s special snowflakes!

No, America.  No, we cannot all go to college.  Not everyone is equipped to go to college.  Some people are not intellectually gifted enough.  Some people are not mature enough, though they possess the intellectual capability. Some people may be minimally qualified, but would be better served by forgoing college and entering the workforce right out of college, rather than incurring $100,000 of non-dischargeable debt. 

And, no, Ms. Hewitt. The mentally retarded are not college material. ‘Puter’s sorry for bursting your bubble, but it’s the truth. If ‘Puter’s kid were a student at a college that admitted Ms. Hewitt to a degree program, ‘Puter’d pull his kid out of that college so danged quick, it’d make your head spin.  Admitting the retarded is an admission by the college that is program of study is so lacking in rigor that the mentally retarded can pass.  ‘Puter is not wasting his money nor his kid’s time at an institution that will whore out its mission to such an extent that the mentally disabled can pass.

For too long we have refused to speak the truth.  Some people are not smart enough to go to college. Sorry, Arizona State University graduates, but it’s true.  Americans have no problem differentiating among children based on looks or athletic ability, but every kid must be equally smart.  ‘Puter’s tired of this shit.  This was the straw that broke the ‘Puter’s back.  If an admittedly mentally retarded young woman with intellectual disabilities and proven violent tendencies is college material, ‘Puter’s the young, hot Liz Taylor.

Ms. Hewitt’s not the only person who “needs help making decisions.” America needs help as well.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.