What does your license plate reveal about you? Unless you have a customized vanity plate, your car’s plates probably has a seemingly random series of numbers and letters. Seemingly. Actually, your license plate has a lot of encoded information in it designed to aid law enforcement and, for those in the know, other drivers on the road.

This is hardly secret stuff. But if you are unaware of it, here is a partial guide to the code. These can combine, so if your plate is T44 E21, it means all these codes apply to the primary driver, but does number 4 quite a lot.

If your plate contains…

A = You are inclined to brake unnecessarily, then signal a right turn.

B = Maryland driver, who will speed right up to about an inch from your rear bumper before leaping violently to the next, largely open lane.

C = You think that you can be absolved of idiotic and dangerous driving by waving a peace sign with your fingers toward your rear view mirror seconds after hearing someone blast their horn at you.

D = You like to turn left immediately when the light goes green, assuming you have been simply given a green left turn arrow, cutting off oncoming traffic.

E = That horn doesn’t mean “Look at me, everyone, my car is moving!”

F = Cannot parallel park, and will circle the block a few times until a space opens up you can drive into.

G = Still watches American Idol.

H = Likely has a passenger fully reclined with bare foot propped up and extending out of open window.

I = Doesn’t realize most states use 1, not I, in plates. See O.

J = Texts and drives.

K = Plays Angry Birds and drives.

L = Totally does not get “slower traffic keep right” concept.

M = Secretly into that Twilight crap.

N = That kind of person who parks the car all the way at the far end of the parking lot in hopes that you don’t park anywhere near them. Still has shopping cart dings on the doors.

O = This is more than likely a 0, not an O. See I. Not to be trusted with spelling.

P = Doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.

Q = Despite all evidence to the contrary, thinks you find his or her bumper sticker incredibly witty. Ah yes, bumper stickers: what we did before Twitter.

R = Thinks Spanish is the language of Brazil.

S = In a foreign car, tends to drive 5 miles under the limit; in an American car, tends to think impure thoughts while driving. A lot.

T = Persistently fails to understand that a gas tank on E does not mean you could easily go another 200, 300 miles easy.

U = Has owned the car for a while but has little idea how the HVAC controls work beyond constantly cranking the fan up and down.

V = Listens to only one radio station because, honestly, that SET button never seems to work. It’s just easier to leave it where it is.

W = Believes “check engine” is a scam to get you to buy another car. Or change the oil. One of the two. Not sure which, so you don’t bother with either.

X = Likes to cruise in another driver’s blind spot, and will speed up or slow down accordingly to stay right there, no matter what the other driver tries to do.

Y = Waits until the last possible second to exit a lane that ended or is closed, as if the last two miles of warning signs never existed.

Z = Totally unaware that hem of a long coat or jacket is protruding out the bottom edge of the car door. Moron.

1 = Trunk contains baseball mitt, golf clubs, tennis racket, and at least one sporting good from every abandoned attempt to stay in shape or get involved.

2 = You should see what their house looks like. God.

3 = Thinks vehicle windows are composed of one-way glass, and therefore one cannot see the driver singing along to a Lady Gaga song while index finger is shoved up the nose all the way to the proximal knuckle.

4 = Thinks that driving with the window cracked open a quarter inch will somehow prevent the smell of the last four cigarettes from soaking into the interior of the car.

5 = If this driver turns into a one-way street, will act annoyed and offended by oncoming traffic, and will expect blocked vehicles headed in the correct direction to back up and left him or her through anyway.

6 = Overlaps two parking spaces, not because he or she is a self-centered jerk who is afraid of getting the car dinged, but because he or she has no ability to judge the vehicle’s exterior dimensions when parking.

7 = Treats the backseat like a storage locker. Vehicle may contain vermin in surprising numbers.

8 = When slowing to a stop at an intersection containing a homeless person or charity worker collecting funds, pretends to be extremely preoccupied with something on the dashboard, or something on the passenger seat, or performs emergency imaginary surgery on a hang nail. Anything to avoid eye contact.

9 = Likes to block the right turn lane in a parking lot when turning left across an insanely busy street.

0 = No recollection of which way you turn the steering wheel when parking on a hill.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.