‘Puter stole this picture from Czar’s wedding album. Just out of the frame is GorT sporting the newest in plasma powered portable rail guns.

Liberal coastal elites’ willful and inexplicable ignorance on all things bang-stick-y is showing again. Democrats in the House and the Senate are not only renewing legislation to ban high capacity magazines, but also new legislation to limit online sales of ammunition.

‘Puter’d like to single out Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) for displaying a colossal amount of ignorance about hunting.  The erudite and thoroughly knowledgeable Sen. Lautenberg states the following, with his customary smug arrogance:

“We need to start today on efforts to prevent the next attack,” he said in a statement. “We should begin by passing my legislation to ban the sale of high-capacity gun magazines. No sportsman needs 100 rounds to shoot a duck, but allowing high-capacity magazines in the hands of killers like James Holmes and Jared Loughner puts law enforcement at a disadvantage and innocent lives at risk.”

First, ‘Puter commends Sen. Lautenberg on his appreciation of duck hunters’ skills.  Many of us take pride on our ability to flop a descending mallard with, at most, 52 shots. Jackass.

Second, there are no commercially available 100 round magazines for shotguns.  At least, there are none that ‘Puter was able to find immediately.  ‘Puter’s quick internet search did turn up this totally bitchin’ 22 round magazine for the Remington 870.  Sure, there are commercially available 100 round magazines for rifles, but ‘Puter’s limiting himself to shotguns for reasons explained in detail below.

Last, as Sen. Lautenberg must know, it is already illegal to hunt waterfowl with rifles, pistols and shotguns capable of holding more than three rounds. The good Senator surely must be familiar with 50 CFR §20.21, which states*:

Migratory birds on which open seasons are prescribed in this part may be taken by any method except those prohibited in this section. No persons shall take migratory game birds:

(a) With a trap, snare, net, rifle, pistol, swivel gun, shotgun larger than 10 gauge, punt gun, battery gun, machinegun, fish hook, poison, drug, explosive, or stupefying substance;

(b) With a shotgun of any description capable of holding more than three shells, unless it is plugged with a one-piece filler, incapable of removal without disassembling the gun, so its total capacity does not exceed three shells. However, this restriction does not apply during:

(1) A light-goose-only season (greater and lesser snow geese and Ross’ geese) when all other waterfowl and crane hunting seasons, excluding falconry, are closed.

(2) A Canada goose only season when all other waterfowl and crane hunting seasons, excluding falconry, are closed in the Atlantic, Central, and Mississippi Flyway portions of Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming, as set forth below:

(i) During the period of September 1 to September 15, when approved in the annual regulatory schedule in subpart K of this part; and

(ii) During the period of September 16 to September 30, when approved in the annual regulatory schedule in subpart K of this part.

Did you catch all that?  Contrary to Sen. Lautenberg’s uninformed rant, and in contradiction to his stated rationale for banning high capacity magazines (i.e., “[n]o sportsman needs 100 rounds to kill a duck”), it is already illegal for waterfowlers to be afield with a shotgun capable of carrying more than three rounds of ammunition.  Is the Senator unaware of the laws and regulations of the United State?  It would seem so.

What part of “[n]o persons shall take migratory game birds … with a … rifle, pistol, … [or] a shotgun of any description capable of holding more than three shells …” is so difficult for the good Senator to understand?

‘Puter’s certain Sen. Lautenberg would respond that ‘Puter’s making his point: hunters do not require (and cannot legally possess) high-capacity shotgun magazines afield. 

To which ‘Puter responds that Sen. Lautenberg should quit picking on law abiding waterfowlers and get his facts straight.  Using a bullshit, easily disproven rationale as the sole stated basis for liberals’ grandiose gun-banning schemes strikes ‘Puter as colossally stupid.

But then ‘Puter’s a simple, uneducated man, incapable of higher thought, reason, logic or any combination of the foregoing.  ‘Puter is unworthy to question Sen. Lautenberg’s intellectual capabilities as he clearly inhabits a much,. much higher intellectual plane than ‘Puter.

*’Puter only cites federal law here, as all ducks are considered migratory waterfowl, and are therefore subject to federal regulation.  That’s why hunters have to purchase duck stamps annually.  Federal law regarding migratory waterfowl hunting preempt inconsistent state laws.  Thus, ‘Puter did not inquire as to New Jersey’s regulations (or any other state’s) as such laws and regulations are at a minimum as strict as the federal laws.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.