‘Puter finally got tired of simply de-pantsing E.J. Dionne (not literally) within the hallowed halls of Castle Gormogon.  Really, the other Gormogons tired of ‘Puter building effigies of Mr. Dionne, coating them with napalm, loading them into Mandy’s rail gun and firing them into low Earth orbit.

So today ‘Puter finally did something constructive.  ‘Puter read Mr. Dionne’s most recent uninformed gun-banning screed, noted what ‘Puter believes to be an error and fired off an email to Patrick Pexton, the Washington Post’s ombudsman. 

Here is the text of ‘Puter’s missive:

Mr. Pexton:

In today’s opinion pages, Mr. Dionne’s piece contains a materially misleading statement based on a false premise. Mr. Dionne states “isn’t the more direct solution to ban automatic weapons and oversize magazines so that when someone does go off the rails, it won’t be possible for him to shoot off close to 100 rounds in 100 seconds?” Mr. Dionne is clearly referring to the recent tragic massacre in Aurora, Colorado. His language strongly implies that automatic weapons (1) were used in the massacre and (2) are widely available in the marketplace. Both implications are patently and provably false.

Automatic weapons have been subject to a de facto ban since the passage of the National Firearms Act in 1934. Here’s a link to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives’ description of the National Firearms Act. Civilians may still possess, purchase and transfer automatic weapons provided they comply with governing regulations, but the regulatory hurdles put in place by the NFA and BATFE are so high, very, very few people are eligible. Heck, even the gun-hating New York Times managed to get it correct, stating “[f]ully automatic weapons are not widely available on the civilian market in the United States.”

Additionally, no automatic weapons were used in the recent massacre in Aurora. The gunman used a Remington 870 12 gauge shotgun (pump action), a Smith & Wesson M&P15 chambered in 5.56mm NATO (semi-automatic) and two Glock .40 caliber pistols (semi-automatic). Even going further back, no automatic weapons were used in the Virginia Tech shooting (Glock 19 9mm pistol (semi-automatic) and Walther P22 .22 caliber (semi-automatic)) or in the Columbine shooting (12-gauge Savage-Springfield 67H pump-action shotgun, Hi-Point 995 Carbine 9 mm carbine, 9 mm Intratec TEC-9 semi-automatic handgun, 12-gauge Stevens 311D double-barreled sawed-off shotgun).

Mr. Dionne is certainly entitled to his own opinion. However, as many are fond of saying, he is not entitled to his own facts. Mr. Dionne is ignorant of basic firearms facts, purposely misleading his readers or both.

Please have Mr. Dionne issue a correction, or, at a minimum, a clarification.

Regards,

[‘Puter]

[‘Puter’s full name]
[Undisclosed Upstate location]

‘Puter’s probably just spitting into the wind, but he’ll let you know if anything comes of this.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.