[Note: the Czar reprints this email in its entirety, with one exception: attached was a PDF of the original news article. We can’t yet attach PDFs (thanks, GorT), so take our word for it: JAB isn’t making this up. The story really happened.]

Dear Your Czarness:

Just read your “Code of the Free Market” post, and on behalf of all us Operatives, minions, etc., etc, I thank you for the enlightenment. I had never considered the source of electical standards and codes. Cool thing to know!

I’ve read many musings on Pres. Obama’s regurgitation of The Sayings of Elizabeth Warren (trademark pending!). There’s so much to object to and so little time, but the one I find most gggrrrating may be: “If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that….” Oh, yeah? Like you’d know something about building a business, Mr. President?

Well, sir, in fact I did have many good teachers during my youth, and doubtless they taught me things I’ve used in life and business. I’ll bet most other people who’ve had any success in life would say the same. But what about the other 25-30 kids sitting in class with me? Did they go forth, work hard and build successful businesses? Because if we all had the same teacher(s), should not every single one of us be driving on the same governent-built bridges and roads to our very own business? Why can’t I name a single, solitary member of Bill Gates’ or Steve Jobs’ high school graduating class???? I mean, those fellers weren’t brought up and educated in isolation units, were they? Didn’t Jobs’ and Gates’ classmates have the same protection of the police to help them flourish? Shouldn’t each and every one of them have famous and profitable businesses?

I ripped the attached article from the front page, I say FRONT PAGE, of the Dyersburg (TN) State Gazette during my recent sojourn in Dyer County for a family reunion/visit to parole officer. I submit that it explains and illuminates all you need to know about free enterprise, and why government agencies are ill-qualified to pick winners and losers. It all boils down to one word….and that word is….STUPIDITY.

Chapter 1: Caveat emptor
Lest I offend the delicate sensibilities of Your Czarness and get myself banned from the Lobby Bar at the Castle, I shall summarize the salient and leave out the salacious. A woman of 31 years and a man of 62 years met at the corner of Bowen Lane and Holbrook St. It seems that they entered into a verbal agreement for certain services to be rendered by the aforementioned woman for the sum of $40 cash money. The woman, being no fool, requested payment up front. The man, being a fool, paid, where-upon the woman promptly hightailed it out of there with his $40.
Now for most of us, that would be the end, right? Lesson learned. Move along.
Chapter 2: Too Much Government Breeds Dependency on Government
But no, no, no, there’s more! The aggrieved “gentleman” feeling the loss of his $40 and perhaps hoping to obtain certain services from another, ahem, provider, decided ask his government for assistance. Sorry to offend but there’s just no helping it— the dude called the cops to report that a hooker stiffed him and he wanted his $40 back.
Really.
At this point, the cops should have hung up laughing, right? Nope. Officers went to the scene, and found the swift-footed “lady,” who said, yeah, she took the dude’s money, but…wait…for…it…only so she could buy him some crack cocaine. And she further stated that some guy took the cash from her….and then ran off. Guess he must been faster than her, huh?
I am sad to say it, but seems there is simply no honor to be found amongst theives.
Chapter 3: Where Government Wastes Time and Money
Again, the officers had the chance to simply advise these two upstanding Dyer Countians on the finer points of the law, and send them on their respective ways, poorer but wiser in the ways of the world. Yet as we know, the government does like to meddle, and so both were issued misdemeanor citations for prostitution by Officer B. Fife (nah, just kidding about the Barney Fife part). Although for the life of me I cannot see how any prostitution took place. Maybe Mr. Puter can provide legal analysis?

For what it’s worth, I suspect, or at least I fervently pray and hope, that all the aforementioned citizens of these United States, sat in classes with classmates who have managed to do better in life than end up with a court date and on the front page of the local paper for being DUMBER THAN A CLOD OF DIRT. Perhaps none of their classmates have risen to the dazzling heights of a Jobs or Gates, but at least they can manage daily business transactions without drawing the attention of Officer Fife.

Maybe someone could tell Pres. Obama that not being stupid can help you on your way to success in life. Cause you just cain’t fix stupid.

Yours from the Doublewide,
JAB

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.