Just as not all liberals are unwashed Occupy protesters (in fact, based on their turnouts, almost no one is an Occupy protester at all), nor do all liberals hate the troops, nor are all liberals against financial reform…well, frankly, these items describe a tiny minority of you. In fact, most conservatives would be shocked to learn that most liberals (by a long shot) think the United States military is about the most impressive thing on earth.

Guess what? There are several things that liberals falsely believe about conservatives, too. Yes: while you might find a few whackjobs on right-wing websites punching into the Comments section to leave nasty messages, these represent either trolls looking for attention or the oddball who lives in his camper-van and uses the public library’s free internet connection to hate hate hate on the government. But it saves him a lot of time from typing out his manifesto on an old manual below a flickering bare bulb, right?

Here are seven things (in no intended order) that liberals frequently believe about conservatives that are rarely true in the broader sense.

1. Conservatives believe climate change is a hoax. Not exactly; in fact, this is quite well off the mark. Yes, some outliers do think that climate change—especially global warming—is a manufactured farce. A large number of conservatives, however, are opposed to the monumental reformist programs queued up to siphon money away. The reality is this: conservatives don’t understand how a potential change in climate—which they are uncertain the evidence points to, given how badly it has been presented over the years—warrants UN intervention, a complete change to the American economy, and all the other things imposed by Cap and Trade, Kyoto Protocols, and so on. Many of the climate change responses are ill-thought out, and have proven to serve other causes (don’t worry if you missed that proof—those causes have since been eradicated when exposed by local governments). Conservatives don’t know what to think about the climate, but that isn’t the fault of liberals: it’s the fault of governmental policies that botched the data, ran in the wrong directions, and made everybody unpleasant.
2. Birtherism is one of the goofier distractions ever. Very few Americans dispute that Barack Obama was born in America; however, two factors keep this going: a couple of high-profile believers (whether Donald Trump is even remotely a conservative is a subject of debate), and the President’s own promotion of himself as a born-in-Kenya schtick in an effort to get chicks in school. This is one of those stupid boasts, like the Czar did when he claimed in college that he, personally, brought about the peace accord between Mengrai of Lanna and Ramkhamhaeng the Great of Sukhothai. Made up. But it got enough right-wing people to wonder, and—let us be honest—quite a few left-wing people began to wonder for a time as well. President Obama was born in America, no matter what nonsense he farted out in college.
3. Obama’s religious views are, perhaps amazingly, not at all of interest to most conservatives. Of greater interest, perhaps, is what was promoted at the church he attended for two decades, yes, but not whether he is a secret muslim. With the impending arrival of the country’s first Mormon president, a lot of liberals are rightly wondering what the heck goes on there, too. Fair enough.
4. Conservatives want to completely dismantle the federal government. Ask any of them! Except, no: the federal government is a necessary evil that dates back to, well, 1789. While a couple thousand Ron Paul 2012 shallow ultra-libertarians want to see us back to ox carts and bowyers, the reality is that a gigantic nation like ours needs some gigantic government. But gigantic does not mean bloated, inept, and questionable. A hideous portion needs to be eliminated, gradually, to make us revenue neutral. Why the Federal government is involved with so many programs better handled at the State or local level is one of the key themes to this very website. But total reduction to a standing army of 5,000 and a justice of the peace? Not conservatives.
5. Conservatives want to deny healthcare to millions! Or so it goes. While conservatives would love a 100% market-driven healthcare system in which a doctor visit costs $18 on average, we understand that millions still would need help paying that. Fine—nowhere do conservatives stipulate they want to deny millions of people healthcare except in Democratic ads. In fact, the only thing conservatives don’t object to with Obamacare is the healthcare aspect, which makes up about 0.1% of the entire law. It’s the other 99.9% involving taxes, commissions, bureaus, investigations, paramilitary medical corps, and more that was improperly and illegally rammed down the public’s throats that tick us off the point we want Obama retired this November.
6. Food stamps and welfare are codes for black people. This trope is convenient, but conservatives not only reject it, we suspect liberals know it isn’t true, either. Most Americans receiving food stamps and on welfare are white, by a significant percentage. What we object to is the ease with which families of all colors are jumping into this process. The Obama administration is actively pushing people to participate, even though we all know that this makes liberals wince and deny it. Participation in these largely unnecessary tax drains is at record levels, so much so that we have more people on welfare than many major countries have people. Yeah, liberals acknowledge, it would be nice if no one needed these programs; fine, conservatives reply, let’s start getting people off of them.
7. Conservatives want Obama to fail. No, the millions of votes he enjoyed in 2008 prove that Americans of all stripes wanted him to succeed. Hey, the Czar voted for the other guy, and he still wanted Obama to succeed. A rising tide lifts all boats, and a successful Obama could have made people very happy. And while Rush Limbaugh hoped Obama would fail because it would expose the nonsense that is modern liberal thought, somehow this has been completely warped. Presently, some liberals are circulating a theory that Sen. Mitch McConnell met privately with Newt Gingrich on Inauguration Day to plan the downfall of President Obama. Seriously. We have personally heard this theory. It all stems from liberal confusion as to who is “in charge” of conservatives at any given moment (in reality, no one—that’s how conservatives roll), and how else to explain the reality that President Obama is what he really is: an over-educated but petty and shallow book-skimmer who highlighted only what was expected to be on the test and did no other reading. It isn’t that conservatives want Obama to fail; it’s that he has failed, and the signs were clear as early as 2009 that he was failing. Of course, cough cough, some of us Illinois residents were spelling this out back in early 2008.

There you have it. And perhaps the Czar will get mail from conservative readers challenging these points; fine—but an exception here or there does not disprove the point overall. However, the Czar expects to get mail from readers adding to this list, which would be fine, too.

Enjoy, liberal readers!

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.