‘Puter prepares to “ride Czar’s float” at the Gormogons’ 1,092nd Annual Gay Pride Parade

‘Puter is not surprised that he received feedback on yesterday’s most excellent “pretend you’re Romney’s speech writer” post.  ‘Puter has a way of getting under folks’ skin, intentionally and unintentionally.

A new (new to ‘Puter, in any event) minion, henceforth to be known as Mala the Editor/Ediirix, wrote in to gently correct ‘Puter’s really crappy editing.  It is good that Mala took the “gentle correction” route, rather than the “‘Puter, you ignorant slut” method, as the last minion who attempted the latter was turned into scrapple and served to the Castle’s death hounds for afternoon tea.

Mala the Editor/Editrix writes:

‘Puter,

I am new to your site; I stumbled upon it via a reference on NRO. I was pleased to read several entertaining posts during my day. However, I am an editor at heart, and so errors jump out to me. No, this is not an error of usage, punctuation, or grammar. Nay, indeed, this was an error in nomenclature. The proper name of Mitt Romney’s church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is not just the Church of Latter-day Saints. I am sure Romney would tell you that the name of Jesus Christ is much more important than “Latter-day Saints” in the name of the church. I would appreciate it if you would correct your post to show the full name of the church.

I look forward to more good blog posts from you and your cohorts in your “secret” society.

Thank you!

Mala [the Editor/Editrix]

Mala is correct.  For this, Mala will receive a three ton airdrop of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat and Parker Brothers’ newest board game sensation Castle Gormogon: Where’s ‘Puter’s Leisure Suit?*, available in the Castle’s lobby gift shop.

Next up, Operative MS, with a substantive critique of ‘Puter’s post.  Operative MS writes:

Let’s count the ways in which this is wrong…

* “The opportunity to receive a top-notch education” has never been a civil right. If you disagree, cite a reference that dates before 1799.

* Education is not a federal power. If you disagree, cite the enumerated power.

* The proposal is a violation of the Ninth and/or Tenth Amendment.

* The church where this speech takes place will/should lose its tax exemption.

* “Unions will call my plan a voucher plan, a cruel plan to starve local schools. Not at all. … Competition among schools for your vouchers will drive improvements.”  Self-contradictory.

* In general tone, it pander-pander-pander. Yuck!

— [Operative MS]

‘Puter believes Operative MS makes fair points.  However, ‘Puter sees this as a distinction between theory and practice.  It is important to maintain our conservative ideals, but we must also recognize and act within the reality that confronts us.  ‘Puter responds in two ways to Operative MS: in theory and in practice:

In Theory

Education is not a federal civil right.  However, it is constitutionally guaranteed by numerous state constitutions, including New York’s (not that ‘Puter thinks that’s a good idea). There are no American founding documents of which ‘Puter is aware that guarantee a right to an education.

Article II of the United States Constitution does not provide that Congress can legislate on the subject of education.

As Article II does not provide a federal right to legislate on education, nor deny such a right to the states, education is a power left to the states, or to the people, in accordance with the Ninth and/or Tenth Amendments.

Such a church presenting on such a topic would, by law, lose its tax exempt status.

‘Puter’s not certain he sees any inherent self-contradiction to his statement about vouchers driving school improvements.

Operative MS is correct.  ‘Puter’s proposed Romney speech is a pander.

In Practice

Education was just as much a civil right in 1799 as was women’s civil right to vote and Blacks’ civil right to equal protection under law. Simply saying “it’s not in the Constitution (or the Articles of Confederation, Federalist Papers, Declaration of Independence, etc.)” does not end the discussion.  Education is considered a civil right by many today, and ‘Puter could fashion a legally cognizable argument that the disparate impact on minorities caused by poor schools, etc. denies minorities their constitutional Due Process and Equal Protection rights.  Additionally, many Southern states (wrongly, in ‘Puter’s view) are still subject to federal court desegregation orders and monitoring.  If education isn’t a civil right in practice, it’s so closely tied with recognized civil rights as to be nearly indistinguishable.

Article II of the Constitution also doesn’t provide that Congress could create administrative agencies and delegate power to them, or regulate intrastate growth and consumption of wheat, or provide for an individual mandate for health insurance.  But all these things now exist, many of them rationalized through broad application of either the Commerce Clause or the Spending Clause.

Federal courts do not enforce the Ninth and Tenth Amendments.  They are effectively relics of a bygone era, no matter how much Operative MS and ‘Puter may wish it otherwise.  Federalism would make for a better America than the one we now have.  And for far poorer blue states, such as New York and California, where their social programs are not supported by red states like Texas and Georgia.

In reality, the IRS and Department of the Treasury seldom if ever give any real religious not for profit a hard time about its tax exempt status, even for the most politically motivated speeches.  See, e.g., Rev. Jeremiah Wright, “Rev.” Al Sharpton, etc.

‘Puter’s still not certain he sees any inherent self-contradiction to his statement about vouchers driving school improvements.

‘Puter’s speech is a pander.  It’s pandering that sways the masses and wins elections.  Without pandering, your side doesn’t win elections.  Without winning elections, you can’t pull the nation back to its roots.  Some pandering is necessary, but it’s a fine line to know the difference between pandering in pursuit of a cause and selling out.

So, ‘Puter thinks Operative MS raises fair and valid points.  ‘Puter also thinks that those points are more at home in a philosophy seminar than in our current political climate. 

‘Puter is in no way mocking Operative MS.  His statements are core conservative tenets, and ‘Puter can’t find much fault with any of them.  Smaller government is better.  Congress should abide by the Constitution.  Courts should limit Congress’ shenanigans.  Federalism is a better way of running the country. 

‘Puter simply thinks that pulling the nation back to its founding principles is going to be a long, incremental haul.  Conservatives need to pick their fights wisely, know when to compromise, and occasionally pander to the masses.

Thanks to all for writing in.  ‘Puter hopes to see you at the Gormogons’ 1,092nd Annual Gay Pride Parade.  He’ll be the one dressed like Mr. Slave on Czar’s “Cartoon Gay” themed float.

*Hint: Check the Leaping Peacock or the Castle’s electric trolley roundhouse.**  ‘Puter usually disrobes either in the Leaping Peacock itself or in his private trolley car on the way back to the Castle after dollar Creme de Menthe and Crest shooters night down at the Leaping Peacock.

**What? No one ever told you that Czar and ‘Puter finagled billions of dollars from President Obama’s high speed rail initiative to build a dedicated line from the Castle to the Leaping Peacock?  Well, what the heck did you think all the noise up on the Plateau of Leng was, if not railway construction? If you ever get the change to ride the Gormogon Express, please note all the thoughtful touches Czar added to the rail cars, such as: complimentary Red Man plugs for all passengers; spittoons, for the aforementioned Red Man chaw spit; chintz drapes in the windows and scuppers to whisk away the body fluids Czar’s victims passengers leave behind.  Only the best for Czar’s victims guests!

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.