Dunno if it was the holiday or the travels, but the Czar got a little behind in his mail. Not sure whose behind it was, though. It was pretty bloody.

First, in order of appearance, is Nightfly, who confesses:

O dread and awesome Sir:

The Ladybug and I have a thing for certain cult classics. The Pirate Movie is one of hers. I have, on occasion, tried to get out of certain unpleasant chores on the Supersonic Rocket Ship by wailing, “But I… am an ORPHAN!”

She laughs… but she also makes me do the chore.

The next time you’re up in orbit, please remind the Video Archives to set you up with the Obscure Movie Marathon: UHF, Rock and Rule, and The Adventures of Mark Twain.

Best,
Nightfly

You claim nostalgia, but clearly this is a serious cry for medical intervention. “Pumping’ and Blowin’” is about as serious as it gets.

And Island Dweller leaps in to the intellectual rescue:

Most illustrious majesty:

It would seem some luminaries in the GOP just don’t seem to get it – or if they half-get it, they take a page from Dear Leader rather than strike out on their own.

A well-known radio personality yesterday expounded on an interview granted by Marco Rubio to Gentlemens’ Quarterly, known to the shorthanded as “GQ.” During the conversation Rubio reportedly made a remark that socialism has failed every time it’s been tried for the past 6,000 years of recorded history. The interviewer, sensing something here (blood), right away asked Mr. Rubio if he believed the earth was 6,000 years old.

To his credit, Rubio sensed where this conversation was headed. The radio personality stated Rubio countered this sneak attack by using a response previously given by Dear Leader – paraphrased, it was “I’m not a scientist, I don’t know how old the earth is, I just know recorded history goes back about that far and that’s what the record shows.” Not too bad an answer.

Esteemed Associate, with whom I conversed last night after he pulled the string taut on our low-budget Obamaphone, stated this was an acceptable answer. EA and I agreed a BETTER one would have been, “I thought we were here to discuss political matters, not geology – or religious beliefs. You’re with GQ. Gentlemen say what they mean and stay on-topic. Could we stay on-topic, please?” Maybe it could have been followed by “Interview concluded.” There’s no need to be polite to these people any more; they’ve clearly shown their stripes. What we need is someone with Mitt Romney’s or Rick Santorum’s decency and Chris Christie’s demeanor – that surfaces only when treated in such a sly manner. Don’t worry – Rubio will get his exposure through Fox and more conservative magazines. Let’s see how slow the GOP is to pick up on this.
Island Dweller & Esteemed Associate

Absolutely. You are both correct, and your recommended response would have been perfect in our book. Frankly, at this point, it is only the characteristic ego of the uber-politician that giving an interview to GQ is remotely even a good idea. Know how big-scale Democrats and liberal leaders refuse to grant interviews to Fox? Same idea—why bother. Did Senator Rubio remotely think that he could increase his popularity by being interviewed by GQ? Like everything else, he went off point and the media weaponized it against him.

This is going to keep happening, GOP. Until you get some counter-narrative working.

On a less tasteful topic, Island Dweller also adds:

Your majesty:

I have attached a photograph for your review. Please be advised for attribution it was displayed on the FoxNews internet home page this afternoon but I am given to understand from the accompanying article it is in fact already on Facebook where it has reportedly gone viral.

The left hand of the young female (definitely not a “lady”) in the photo is offering an obscene gesture. She happens to hark back to the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Massachusetts (which republic was an enabler of Dear Leader’s reelection). Hopefully this does not represent the attitude of the majority of individuals in the DPRM, but given the percentage by which it went for DL one has to wonder. By reelecting this individual and pursuing the nationwide lifestyle we are we’ve basically given this gesture to everyone buried in that cemetery.

By way of explanation she was not actually yelling, only acting as if she were. She didn’t have to be yelling – the location, pose and gesture say everything about her and the miscreant who took the photo for her that needs to be said. If there ever was a sick joke, this was it. I have a personal stake in this as an extended relative – and a very fine man, a father figure – is buried in that cemetery. We miss him greatly. How far we have fallen as a country.
Island Dweller

We understand, and the Czar opted to link to an uncensored version of the image because quite frankly (a) she wants you to see how ugly a person she is, and (b) millions are seeing her for what she is.

Her name is Lindsey Stone, and works for a nonprofit organization that provides assisted living for the disabled. She was on an employer-paid business trip when the photograph was taken. Evidently, she and a colleague have been suspended without pay for conduct unbecoming an employee of that nonprofit organization, and her ongoing employment with them is entirely in question.

The Czar thinks that is an appropriate response. But what if she had been on a personal vacation? Well, she has the right to pose for such a photograph, even though she had the awareness of action to simulate screaming. No doubt she thought it was funny.

But as she has the right to pose in such a manner, so too does the Czar have the right to point out to her, her parents, family, and friends that Ms. Stone is a patently offensive, ugly, and undisciplined little brat who has so much growing up to do that it is impossible to imagine where to begin. Perhaps she could start by talking to veterans within her family, and then speak with some veterans outside of her immediate environment; particularly, disabled or disfigured vets who would have sacrificed more for their country if only they had the chance. She might realize what an insignificant and abhorrent insect she has become for millions of Americans. No matter; she doesn’t read this site, and has likely earned much more toxic vitriol on the often poisonous wasteland that is Facebook. Good on her, then.

Even now she is whining “But you don’t even know me,” not realizing that she knows even less about people, and by the way we know her perfectly well.

For the Czar will add that this is nihil novus; in the 1970s, which we are as a culture eager to emulate for some asinine reason, thousands of younger people took photos of themselves disrespecting the country—burning draft cards, throwing bags of urine at police, using the flag to carry trash, and so on. And you know where they all wound up? Absolutely nowhere. At the time, Stone probably thought she was clever and brilliant and funny and poignant and witty—but she simply is a follower, taking her place in a long and pointless line dating back centuries of people who thought they were smarter and funnier and more intellectual than everyone else…only to discover they were merely the opposite of everything they hoped to be.

The often humble erc write in to ask:

Your Czarness:

Do you wish to tell the world what you did with it? And, wasit an accident or part of the Plan?

Humbly/ erc

The Czar did nothing with it, as far as he knows. Making entire islands disappear is more the expertise of the Mandarin—where it could anywhere—or Volgi—who could make it seem to disappear, but it could be right there the whole time. Hell, once the phone calls were coming from inside the house with that guy.

Had it been the Czar or GorT, it would be a smoking crater. Dr. J of course is not interested in islands, and had it been up to ‘Puter, the island would merely have been horrified and offended to its core. You probably should start with the Mandarin.

But no matter what, of course it is part of the plan. And so good of you to notice! A promotion is decidedly in order.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.