‘Puter watched the election returns come in last night. ‘Puter was not amused.  He spent much time sloshing his vodka-rocks-olives (served in a highball tumbler) onto the carpet and raging at the television “reporters” before storming off to bed, muttering to himself.

This morning, watching the newsies smugly self-congratulate, ‘Puter started thinking about the events of the last day or so.  ‘Puter has the following thoughts, observations and conclusions he’d like to share with you now, in no particular order.

Pennsylvania is to Republicans what Lucy’s football is to Charlie Brown. Republicans should forget about Pennsylvania in the near term. The southeastern part of the Commonwealth will screw them every time.

Pennsylvania just voted its coal country out of existence. Obama’s EPA is dedicated to banning coal just as surely as Obama is an American citizen.  Been nice knowing you, Scranton.  You can tell Joe Biden thanks for the screwing.

Republicans have a real minority problem. Republicans cannot hope to compete nationally without attracting at a minimum a significant percentage of minority votes. Republicans need to figure out, and figure out darned quickly, how to appeal more broadly to minorities while retaining their principles. 

Baby Boomers don’t give two figs about anything other than getting their next social security check, taxpayers and country be damned. 

Republicans cannot win with hard right candidates, either at the state or national levels. Insistence on ideological purity is a one-way ticket to Nowheresville.  Better to have a coalition of Republicans in the majority than lockstep purity in the (shrinking) minority. 

Republicans need to stop nominating and voting for untested and unqualified idiots, particularly in Senate races. If Republicans had not nominated O’Donnell, McMahon and Angle in 2010 and Akin, Mourdock and McMahon (2, Electric Boogaloo) in 2012, they’d have a Senate majority. It’s a fact, so shut up. 

Republicans need to see what is, not what they want to believe. ‘Puter’s Twitter feed was full of incredulous and angry followers last night. “How could Romney be getting beaten this badly? I don’t know anyone who voted for Obama!” The race was always close, and Obama squeaked out a win in a cagey, Rove-like manner, scrapping for every last vote. 

Republicans need to start building GOTV apparatuses in every state.  They were outworked and outmanned on the ground last night. 

Demography is destiny.  America’s electorate has changed fundamentally, both in ethnicity and in perspective.  America is getting browner in color and bluer in politics.  Mitt Romney, even if elected, would have governed to John F. Kennedy’s left.  Think on that for a while. 

Despite media protestations otherwise, Obama did not get a mandate.  In fact, he is the first president reelected with a smaller share of the national vote than in his first election.  He would do well to remember that while 50% of Americans voted for him, 48% of us did not.

The Electoral College should be reformed so that electors are decided by the Congressional District that appoints them.  That is, get rid of the winner take all system, and let the individual districts decide which candidate best represents them.  This will force more moderation out of both parties, as Republicans could poach New York electors (Southern Tier) and Democrats could poach Texas electors (Austin). 

Americans voted for divided government. Again.  It’s what we do when we don’t want anything to fundamentally change.  This is good and bad.  It’s good because every day Congress and Obama aren’t passing new laws is another day my business survives.  It’s bad because Congress and Obama need to deal with the debt and deficit.

Americans, whether they knew it or not, just enshrined ObamaCare into law.  ‘Puter hopes people enjoy their new-found lack of jobs when employers lay them off rather than provide high cost health insurance. ‘Puter hopes the folks with jobs like it when their bosses pull health care benefits altogether, tossing them into a medical system run by the government. As we all know, the government is the pinnacle of customer service and innovation.  Why, just look at the DMV.

Obama’s reelection may alter the Supreme Court for generations.  He may appoint as many as three justices during this term of office.  Enjoy the Hell out of that. 

Republicans had a very good night in two thoroughly unreported areas: the House of Representatives and various governors mansions. This gives ‘Puter hope, as states drive change, not the federal government.  If the states all shift, the feds must follow.

Republicans have turned into a bunch of wusses. Quit whining and feeling sorry for yourself.  Get up, dust yourself off and get back in the fight.  We have the correct ideology: smaller government, greater freedom. Our message is a winner.  We just need to quit scoring own goals.  You don’t stand up screaming “ABOLISH [disfavored federal agency name here]!!1!!one!” You state that while the disfavored agency clearly does the Lord’s work, we think there may be opportunities to more closely align the agency with its mission.  Incrementalism is our friend.

Republicans at the federal level need to steer clear of abortion and gay marriage as much as possible.  The correct answer to the abortion question is “Abortion is legal and Constitutional, as declared by the Supreme Court, regardless of my belief. Until declared otherwise, it is my duty as president to enforce the laws of the land. States are free, however, to limit the right to an abortion as they see fit, and as our Constitution provides.”  Incrementalism.  The gay marriage answer is “Gay marriage is a state issue, not a federal issue. However, if a state enacts gay marriage, my administration will make certain that gay couples are treated the same as heterosexual couples for federal tax purposes.” Incrementalism.

Anyway, these are just a few of the thoughts ‘Puter had regarding the election.  ‘Puter may share more at a later time, or he may not.  One never knows with ‘Puter.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.