To most liberals, gun control means confiscation and destruction. Nothing will satisfy liebrals except complete and total citizen disarmament.

‘Puter’s governor Andrew Cuomo is at this moment preparing to deliver his annual State of the State Address in Albany, New York. According to numerous media outlets, Gov. Cuomo will advocate for greater gun control laws in New York, which already has some of the most strict gun control laws in the country.

For example, in New York it is illegal to possess a handgun without a state issued permit.  In order to get a permit merely to possess a handgun takes at a minimum six months, costs several hundred dollars (which can only be paid in postal money orders, of which two are required), requires fingerprinting at only one location in ‘Puter’s county and only during inconvenient work hours, requires a mental health background check, requires a criminal background check, requires three references who have known you for a long period of time who the sheriff calls, requires the sheriff to call the applicant’s spouse and requires a judge to sign off on the permit which the judge is not required to do (so called “may issue”).  To add insult to injury, there is a fee for merely getting a permit application, which application is only available from the county clerk’s office.

Once the state issues a permit to an applicant, the applicant may purchase handguns, but must have each purchase recorded on the permit at the county clerk’s office in the applicant’s county of residence.  The clerk charges an additional fee per handgun for adding the handgun to the applicant’s permit.

In today’s highly technologically advanced world, one would assume that this registration process is electronic.  One would be wrong.  The county clerk actually handwrites the registered firearms number on the applicant’s permit, along with the caliber and make. The permit is simply a piece of cardstock with the applicant’s name, address, picture, thumbprint, the issuing judge’s signature and a listing of the firearms registered to applicant.  The permit is not laminated.  The applicant’s picture is merely glued to the permit.

Best of all, a state issued concealed carry permit is invalid in New York City. 

You heard ‘Puter right.  The State of New York in its estimable opinion has adjudged ‘Puter worthy of owning and concealed carrying handguns. Yet somehow, though ‘Puter is capable of doing so in Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Utica, Rome, Albany, Yonkers, Plattsburgh, Oswego, Batavia, Seneca Falls, Lake Placid, Massena and Chittenango, ‘Puter cannot be trusted to carry concealed in New York City without an additional application to appropriate New York City authorities.  Suffice it to say, New York City’s bureaucrats rarely deign to grant such authority to Upstaters.

To be clear, New York requires a permit not just to concealed carry a handgun, but to possess a handgun.  That is, it is illegal in New York to possess a handgun only in your house for home defense without a state issued permit.  New York makes its citizens right to defend their homes subject to an arbitrary and capricious process.

‘Puter’s not certain how much more violative of ‘Puter’s Second Amendment rights New York’s arbitrary and restrictive handgun laws can get, but unfortunately for ‘Puter, he’s about to find out.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.