Tough as nails, smart as a whip and beautiful, to boot. Thanks, President Obama, for reminding us what competent government officials look like!

In President Obama’s oddly angry and confrontational Inaugural Address yesterday, he spoke the following lines:

We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American; she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own.

‘Puter immediately thought of Dr. Condoleezza Rice.  Dr. Rice was born in Birmingham, Alabama in 1954, the heart of the segregated South and the height of Jim Crow.  Sure, as the only child of a reverend and a teacher, Dr. Rice may not have been poor, but she certainly contended with institutional and state-enforced racism every bit as bleak and soul crushing as the bleakest poverty.

And, like President Obama’s fictional raceless little girl (let’s call her Julia), Dr. Rice not only knew that as an American she was free and equal before God and law, she acted on it.

Dr. Rice is an accomplished pianist on par with professional orchestra musicians. Dr. Rice holds a Ph.D. in political science, writing her dissertation on military policy and politics in Czechoslovakia.  She was a tenured professor at Stanford University, earning promotion to Provost of the university, in which position she turned a $20 million deficit into a $14.5 million surplus in two years.

Not to mention that Dr. Rice was George W. Bush’s National Security Advisor and later, his Secretary of State.

How’s that for making the most of one’s “chance to succeed?” Ironically, Dr. Rice’s “chance to succeed” was freedom from oppressive and immoral government rules and laws.  Freed from Jim Crow and blessed with a supportive family, Dr. Rice succeeded spectacularly.

‘Puter bets that President Obama thinks his fictional Julia’s “chance to succeed” would never come without the benefit of a high cost, freedom reducing, ultimately ineffective government program.

So thanks, President Obama, for reminding ‘Puter of one of America’s greatest success stories, thereby distracting him from the remainder of your angry, partisan speech.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.