As you know, the Czar was born halfway through the 13th Century and has seen much. So have his parents, who are ridiculously ancient. Anyway, his sainted parents are looking to move to a retirement community, which they should have done back in the 14th Century when prices were better, but whattaya gonna do.

The Czar has offered them a place within our dacha fence, or хижины где свинья спит когда он болен (as we call it), but for some reason they want something more roomy and independent. Fine. No problem. They probably want a door anyway.

This is where the story gets tiresome for us. Because, despite everything we suggested for the last few decades, they insisted they want to start antique collecting way back in the day. So now their home is filled with weird things like some Steampunk serial killer’s loft.

And of course they cannot take it with them, so they keep asking us if we want any of it. Do we want a non-functioning typewriter from 1927? No. Do we want the vitrine filled with Irish cottage models? No. Do we want the Hussar armor? No.

Let the Czar be fair. His mother is asking these questions. His father, a more sensible fellow than you are likely to meet sleeping one off at any train station, is offering the Czar different things. Do you want a gently-used saber saw? Yes. Do you want the reciprocating saw? Yes. Do you want the 8-foot screw clamps? Yes.

Here is the point. And please do not think we direct our rage at our parents; actually, we direct it at you. If you are into collecting weird stuff—mostly as a lark when middle-aged—please do not assume your children will want any of it.

In all probability, what you have is worthless stuff that has sentimental value for you, perhaps, but is valueless to your kids. You can will it to them, but they will simply junk it when you aren’t looking.

A better solution is to have an estate sale and let someone in their 50s come over and buy it from you.

Except the power tools. The Czar will take those, and he is already competing with his brothers over some of them. For example, we may have missed out on the Dremel set.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.