You kids too young to remember Watergate will probably not remember Bob Woodward (or Edward Woodward, for that matter). Woodward was one of the two reporters (the other was Carl Bernstein, or Leonard Bernstein, for that matter) who brought down a president.

This is the paper that could bring down a president. At least two inches.

In fact, they did no such thing. The two received information that proved senior White House officials were involved in financing a bizarre burglary. This triggered a rash of resignations and scandals; ultimately, it was ultimately a combination of special prosecutors and committees, judges, and plea bargains that forced Nixon into resignation.

Even Bob Woodward has downplayed his role; however, popular mythology has made him and Bernstein the most powerful force in political whatever. Certainly, the moronic media view them as iconic heroes, bravely staring down the direct threats on their lives to get the truth out, man! Stilus contra gladius potentior est and all. The whole schmear of lefty journalist—and even a few right-handed James O’Keefes out there—want to be “the guy” who takes down the next president, is the subject of countless un-fact-checked books and movies, and be played by James Franco dodging explosions and black helipcopters to get the truth out, man! By the way, the Czar believes the collective noun for journalists is “a murder of.” Maybe that’s where they get their paranoia.

Anyhow, Woodward is still an old-school journalist and even if he did not take down a single president, he did his best to stick to the old ways of writing stuff down and corroborating facts. And being a Hero of the Left, he was given incredible access to the Obama administration over the last few years. And in an attempt to pay that back and make the administration look good, he wrote a book about how well they all work together. In one book, he even shows how the President worked with Senate Democrats to put together a clever little trap for Republicans called Sequestration.

Of course, when ObamaLand decided to blame Sequestration on Republicans and its rivers of blood and death of first-born males, Woodward’s book was quickly cited by Republicans looking to convince Americans that the President was, if you can believe this, bald-faced lying to the people. Again. For the hundredth time that month.

And so Woodward was asked about this—as if Republicans somehow got hold of the original Word files to his book and dropped that bit in there without anyone catching it until they needed a convenient pull quote. You can’t put anything past a group like that, who would throw your grandmother over a cliff in a wheelchair then put y’all back in chains. Naturally, Woodward not only confirmed his writing but explicitly agreed with the Republican claim that the whole Sequester stunt was done in full frontal view of the President and Senator Harry Reid as a way to extort Republicans. Because it happened. He was there, and he wrote it all down, and got everything right.

So for you kids who don’t know about Bob Woodward, Hero of the Left, and the Greatest Journalist Who Told the Greatest Story Ever Broken, you should now be aware that:

• He is senile and his memory faulty.
• That out-dated old Bob Woodward; boy, he used to be something, right? But now he’s washed-up, like Mike Schmidt.
• He is a Republican spokesman.
• Turns out he’s just a birther.
• He regrets or soon will regret what happened.
• He wasn’t threatened at all, and in fact, he has backed off that story entirely.
• The Sequester still is the fault of Republicans.
• They wanna put y’all back in chains.
• A plague of frogs, people!

Interesting how both the claims of washed-up senility and reporters agreeing he was not really threatened all came out about the same time, and are worded to a high degree of similarity. Remember: it isn’t a conspiracy if everybody was already thinking that way.

What do we make of all this? Factually, you cannot argue with Woodward on this—his piece on the Sequestration was too detailed, too organized, and too documented. The President clearly feels this will make him look bad, although let’s be honest the actual Sequestration is going to make him look way worse—nothing much is going to happen to the average person. In fact, the Republicans are smart to now be keeping reasonably quiet on who said what when—the President is the one making all the noise, and when little happens that upsets the average American, they will see him as the nagging, whinnying horse’s ass (see all those horse metaphors? This is why the Czar is a gifted writer. Metaphors.) he really is.

But Bob Woodward, who has never been afraid of the truth, now sees what life is like for conservatives. How bad it is: you are dealing with a thin-skinned, petty, megalomaniac who believes he is a strategic genius. And while you gave the President an out by blaming a senior offical we’ll call Cyril (although his real name is Gene Sperling), and you have sorta accepted an apology by accusing him of living in a fantasy world, you are enjoying all the wonderful benefits of his presidency.

Next time, Mr. Woodward, try to avoid spending so much time on facts when dealing with liberal Democrats, lest you forget you technically are one.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.