In another futile attempt to explain modern liberal thought for our more right-wing readers (hey, everybody!), the Czar reminds everyone that while conservatives tend to see things in simplistic, black-and-white terms, the liberal mind tends to picture things in fuzzy abstracts.

Votes ready to be bought. Meanwhile, the future Republican voters get pushed further and further back.

As a result, this tends to present liberals as hypocrites, while liberals tend to reject this because their abstract motives are neither black nor white. You can learn more about this on our site.

Democrats, which is sort of a Venn-like circle that encompasses many but not all liberals, quite often act in intentionally hypocritical ways. To be sure, liberals don’t like it when Democrats act with blatant hypocrisy, but neither do conservatives like it when a family-values Republican gets caught in an airport men’s room.

One area of raw Democrat hypocrisy is in immigration. This is so much the case that Democrats resort to one of their preferred strategies to disguise it—they accuse Republicans of awful behavior, which of course the liberal constituents eat right up.

If you are a conservative, you already know that you are an awful person: you hate immigrants, for one thing. Probably because they are foreign. Many aren’t white, and probably all of them are from Mexico. Look at all the Mexicans you white, rich conservative hypocrites employ.

You hate immigration, whereas we Democrats love it. What a wonderful diversity these people bring in, with the novelty of the Mexican language, fun foods that are easily catered at parties, and you don’t have to pay their social security for them unless you get caught. In fact, we so love Mexicans that we will sprinkle as much garbled Mexican-talk into our speeches to you to show that we are sympatico con tu, and not at all patronizing you by talking down to your level.

What’s the game plan, here?

The problem is easy to solve, if you think like a nervous Democrat. Let us walk through the decisions Democrats made years ago.

1. Republicans like immigration; many of them had parents or at least grandparents that came over, broke, and built up small businesses that grew into larger, profitable ones.
2. Republicans respect immigrants, and therefore want to eliminate regulations that make it hard for immigrants to start up businesses with little or no capital.
3. These immigrants tend to work for themselves, do two or three jobs, and sacrifice a lot in hopes their kids become doctors and leaders; as a result, they hate to see their savings eaten up by taxes.
4. Consequently, these immigrants tend to vote Republican, and encourage the kids to stick with conservative values. Often, the original hard-working values these immigrants bring in from around the world click in nicely with American hard-working traditions. Children of Republicans tend to vote Republican, too.
5. All these illegal aliens that are sneaking in do not vote. Although they can be hard-working, they are regarded as criminals. If caught, they are sent back. They do not want to wait in long lines. Nearly all of these illegals are from Mexico or Guatemala.
6. If we were to force them to wait in a long line, at the very end of the queue, they would simply take off. They are not interested in following the rules: they want to make some American dollars and get back to their families south of the Rio Grande.
7. If we were to grant them amnesty, we have made them de facto citizens. They immediately jump to the front of the line, and now can bring their families here from Mexico.
8. Of course, they are now legal citizens without any homes, documentation, resources, or education. We can make them wards of the state and grant them government services that trap them into paying high taxes just to keep afloat with givebacks.
9. Of course, this is only true if they continue to vote for Democrats. If they vote Republican, which some of them do, they are slitting their own throats because the Republicans will yank those concessions away and make them get in the back of the line.
10. Therefore, if we grant them amnesty, we buy their votes. And have you noticed how many millions of votes we just bought?
11. This screws the law-abiding immigrants, but they aren’t going to vote for us anyway.

So when the Democrats accuse Republicans of being anti-immigration, you see the trick. It’s a distraction—like the shoplifter who tells the security guard to keep an eye on those kids over there. When the guard starts following the innocent kids, the shoplifter loads his pockets with merchandise.

This is also why the Republicans are in a tight spot with immigration reform—the Democrats are using it as a wedge issue, when in fact no matter what course the GOP takes, the end result is a loss of votes. Thank goodness this is only a relatively short-term phenomenon.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.