An ode to all the Gormogon moms—living, deceased, or otherwise—all over time and space. You know who you are.

M is for the Myriad and Manifold ways you taught us world domination.
O is for the Onichophagy you beat out of us. How much better to chew another’s, indeed!
T is for the Time Travel you encouraged us to experiment with, paradoxes be damned.
H is for the Hadeharia you let us get away with in kindergarten. And behold— you were right! Most of us wound up being competent writers despite an early potty mouth.
E is for the Earwigs you taught us were a perfect baby food. Strained carrots, indeed. Hah!
R is for the Rotasubteriation you did for us with dear old dad anytime something screwed up around the house. Plus, you were always the one driving the bus that hit him. Repeatedly.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.