The Czar’s first job was, well, Czar.

The Czar has been around almost 750 years and in that time has learned many languages, worked on many skills, seen considerable amounts of history, and read many books. But there are some things the Czar just cannot do and probably never will learn.

First, as many of us know, the Czar cannot throw a football. He can throw many things, often with lethal accuracy, across distances. But he can throw a football about as well as you can throw a frozen chicken. It certainly does not spiral: it just sort of falls sideways through the air.

Also, the Czar is terrible at woodworking. He can design wonderful furniture, identify types of cuts and knows which screws to use for maximum strength. He can measure with accuracy to 1/32nd of an inch quite quickly, and can eyeball level. But he cannot cut wood straight, cannot trim or carve without smashing the wood to pieces, and basically when done with a woodworking project, it looks like a birdhouse if the birdhouse was built by the birds hoping to live in it.

Most surprisingly, the Czar is terrible at billiards. What makes this surprising is that he is so bad at it, that he is certain death to anyone playing on his side. The Czar cannot count how many times he has had skillful pool players reassure him that they will cover his bad play, only to have them say a few minutes later &147;You are easily the worst pool player ever.” The Czar does not merely miss shots or scratch here and there: within minutes, the pool table is on fire and all the cues are bent at weird angles. He is that bad. If you fancy yourself an awesome pool player, and agree to have the Czar be on your team for a little two-on-two, we guarantee you will never lose so badly in your life.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.