The Czar once cut off the entire left side of a guy’s body, but he’s all right now.

There are some things the Czar is good at that most folks might not have expected. These include:

—Dishwashing. The Czar enjoys washing the dishes. He uses really hot water (most people find it intolerably scalding), and does the glassware first, dishes next, pots and pans third, and finally the silverware. Soap, soaking, and careful rinsing result in extremely clean dishes. And he is quite good at getting long-stained cookware perfectly like-new clean again. Hint: bleach is your friend.

—Ambidexterity. The Czar is able to write with both hands, and is adept at doing things with either hand. This has been very useful over the years. However, it turns out, the Czar can do little with his feet.

—Place Setting. You should see the Czar set a table. You could easily photograph it when done for a book on etiquette. The Czar knows where to put the forks, in what order, and where the bread plates go, and all that. Plus, he is able to fold napkins into interesting and sometimes whimsical shapes for each setting. And, just as importantly, how to set the table differently for different events or traditions.

—“America the Beautiful.” The Czar knows the second and third verses by heart. Do you? No, that’s okay—this song does not get as much airplay as it should. It would make a very nice national anthem.

—Animal Tracking. Know that mountain lion footprint in your driveway? The Czar will prove to you it’s the neighbor’s dog. The Czar can identify animal tracks of all different animals and birds, including fairly exotic ones like cheetahs and zebras. He can tell you how many people walked in an area, their approximate heights, gender, whether they were carrying things, and all that stuff. It’s a lot of fun, and easy to teach.

All right, you have spent enough time getting to know the Czar. Back to bashing liberals starting tomorrow.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.