Today, the Czar will tell you all about his beloved Царица, who is better than a queen. A царица is like an empress, but is a much better shot.

Here she is, and she is wonderful.

The Царица teaches little children to read, and is so good at it that we cannot even recall how many certifications and awards she has gotten as a result. She has even more schooling than the Czar. No, she does not have as many degrees as Volgi has, but in her defense she has certainly contributed more to society.

The Царица and the Czar certainly agree on most things politically, philosophically, and on matter of art, and yet we often fill the stereotype of opposites attracting. She is good-looking, polite, kind, charitable, religious, hard-working, dedicated, and a delight to be around; pretty much everything the Czar is not.

She has a wicked sense of humor and has a knack for well-intentioned but ruthlessly funny practical jokes. She is a superb cook, and makes every kind of dessert the Czar prefers not to eat. She even knows how to make those tricky chocolate lava cakes where you bite into them, and the gooey chocolate goo comes gooing out of them. Evidently, the trick is to freeze the chocolate and place the frozen chunk into the baking mold. Or something; ask her when you get a moment.

The Царица was much livelier as a maiden, and played many sports in school. She is an avid hockey fan, and knows more about the arcane rule of baseball than any other woman the Czar has met. Her greatest weakness, perhaps, is her love for Notre Dame football; because the Czar hung out with Jesuits since pretty much the day Ignatius was deciding what shoe to wear, he never developed much interest in college football and so appreciates her love of the team.

Readers know that the Czar talks about the Царица shooting firearms quite often, and even people who know her well are surprised to learn that not only does she enjoy going to the range, she is a very good shot with a variety of handguns. Her big goal is to be better at hitting moving targets with shotguns, and readers will be pleased to know that our own Inscrutable Mandarin—the best shotgunner the Czar personally knows—has worked with her a couple of times and dramatically improved her accuracy.

The Царица loves animals and especially cares for dogs. She spoils them terribly, which is why the Czar has to exercise the borzois with serf-hunting or else they will get fat. Fortunately, serf and turf is a very lean meat.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.