His name may rhyme with Heisman now, but Joe should’ve chosen to make Theismann rhyme with “OMG, I’m never going to walk again!” It’d have been way, way more accurate.

Unlike professional baseball in America and professional soccer everywhere else in the known universe, there’s no minor league equivalent for American football and basketball. 

Instead, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association and America’s universities and colleges have formed an unholy alliance to screw young athletes out of money rightfully due them.

NCAA athletes are unpaid, despite their schools raking in huge sums of money from rabid fans, boosters, broadcast outlets and licensees willing to pay for use of the players’ images, whether electronic (television, cable, radio, video games, etc.) or tangible (stadium seats, apparel, etc.). At many Division I (for football, BCS) universities, men’s football and/or basketball programs support all other athletic offerings at the universities, and sometimes even academic programs.

And yet the individuals bringing the value to the university, the athletes themselves, are forbidden from receiving compensation of any type related to their on (and off) the field exploits.  NCAA athletics are a closed shop, and if athletes don’t like it, tough toenails.

We hear again and again and again stories of top athletes taking “gifts” from program boosters, whether for themselves or to help support their families. And when caught, the athletes and/or their athletic programs are sanctioned.  Yet the NCAA has no issue with everyone else getting rich from athletes uncompensated labor.

Most NCAA athletes make a devil’s bargain, foregoing short term gains in college for the potentially enormous paycheck if the athlete makes it to the professional ranks. Unfortunately, whether due to unforeseen injury or lack of sufficient talent, the vast majority of NCAA athletes never achieve their goal.

Further, in pursuit of often illusory dreams of playing professional sports (and the massive payday associated therewith), NCAA athletes often neglect their academics, both prior to and after college admission.

Most NCAA athletes never achieve their goal of playing professionally. Of these athletes, many if not most are uneducated and therefore unprepared for life without sport.  Worse, they’ve received no compensation for their literal blood, sweat and tears copiously shed in pursuit of their shattered dreams.  Worst of all, universities do earn money off the athletes and refuse to share.

The NFL and NBA are complicit, as the NCAA’s existence obviates the need for them to develop a minor league system of teams and pay for it out of their own pockets.  It’s a win-win for professional sports and universities.  Everyone gets rich, except the athletes.

Here’s ‘Puter’s proposal to fix the broken system:

• Pay college athletes. One or two “franchise” players receive $150,000 per year. All first team players receive $75,000 per year, and everyone on the roster gets a $50,000 minimum. the sums don’t matter, particularly. Simply that athletes are paid for their services. If NCAA programs in the aggregate can afford more, great.  If not, fine, too.  Just pay the gentlemen.
• NCAA athletics will operate as minor leagues, with similar rules and regulations regarding banned substances, etc. as the professional leagues.
• Ten percent of a universities profit associated with an individual athletic enterprise will be shared with the players in equal part, meaning if a university makes $1,000,000 on its football team with 100 players, each player would get a $1,000 season end bonus.
• Athletes own their images, meaning colleges cannot license faces and names to apparel companies, video game producers or anyone else without the athlete’s consent and fair compensation.  Universities still own their logo and image, so the individual athletes won’t be able to make money without cutting the university in on the action.  Universities will still make money, just not as much.
• Athletes do not actually attend classes during their four years of NCAA eligibility.  Rather, universities test the athletes to determine whether their academic abilities are in need of remediation.  If so, then universities will supply sufficient resources (tutors, etc.) to bring the athletes up to high school graduate level during these four years. Athletes must contract to do so, and must actually undergo remediation, or they’re banned for life from the NCAA and the NFL.
• After completing their four years of eligibility, athletes receive six (or seven or eight) free years of education at that university, whenever they wish.  If Joe Sixpack makes the pros, great.  He can play out his career, however long it may last, then return to get a degree or two when he’s done. If Freddy Freethrow blows out his knee during the last game of his senior, ending any hope of a professional career, fine. He can return to the university and learn what he needs to get a job to support himself.
• An athlete’s six year education benefit will be non-taxable and inheritable.  That is, if Joe Sixpack doesn’t want to return to college after earning eleventy bajillion dollars over his pro career, he doesn’t have to do so. He can give his benefit to one or more of his kids (or his wife) who can attend university in his stead.

It’s a crazy plan, ‘Puter knows, but it just may be crazy enough to work.  Feel free to let me know your thoughts. If they’re good, I just may have a special Malebag edition.

Also, suck it, Czar.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.