Researchers (and you notice how the exact number is never specified?) have concluded that monkeys can teach us a lot; in fact, monkey’s grooming habits—‘Puter take note—are a form of altruism.

Here are other things monkeys want to teach us:

1. If researcher gives you a piece of apple smaller than the one he gave to Mean Monkey, you bite researcher’s finger.
2. If researcher gives you a piece of apple you think is smaller than the piece he gave you yesterday, you bite researcher’s finger.
3. When researchers put you back in cage or take you out of cage, express your displeasure by hurling poop in every direction.
4. Any time researcher puts you on table or ground to demonstrate how clever you are, prove he is jerk by scampering up walls, curtains, or book shelves to totally inaccessible place. Then spend next ten minutes screeching while they look for a ladder.
5. Bite and screech.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.