Stamping Out Offensiveness
Michelle Obama, in her ongoing quest to eradicate unpopular children, suggested that Post Office produce a series of stamps intended to frighten children. So horrifying were the images that the USPS elected to destroy them immediately upon seeing them. The decision to throw the stamps into a black hole was justified, and will cost American taxpayers roughly the exact amount that the government has saved by shutting down.
What were so offensive about the stamps? The Gormogons know all, and are happy to reveal some of them here.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.