Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley in the middle of ruining American public education for everyone because they’re unrealistic, selfish jerks.

If you want to know what’s wrong with education today, here’s a shining example of the primary reason: parents. Parents damage education by interfering too much, for the wrong reasons, in the wrong manner, without basis, some of the above or all of the above.

Think ‘Puter’s being hyperbolic again? That’s always a possibility, but not this time.  Here’s ‘Puter’s Exhibit 1 for his thesis “helicopter parents are ruining American public education.”

Enter William and Aimee** Asshat Hefley of Sanford, Florida and the fruit of their loins, Jonathan Hefley.***

Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley sued (both asshats Mr. and Mrs. Hefley are attorneys, of course) to get their Precious Q. Snowflake Jonathan back into Honors Algebra II Trig. You read that correctly.  La Familia Asshat Hefley sued their son’s school district to get their kid back into the more mathletic section of Algebra II Trig.**** 

Jonathan was earning a D in the “mathlete” course, so the school dropped him into a different Honors class that proceeded at a slower pace.  Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley were aghast. Despite hectoring begging being assholes requesting the teacher, administrators and district to reconsider Jonathan’s reassignment, the district refused to budge, maintaining that Jonathan’s reevaluated placement was educationally best for him.

The stupid, ignorant school district had the temerity to doubt the stellar brilliance of Jonathan. Why, Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley maintained, one cannot gaze directly at the fruit of our loins, as he shines as the sun at midday! ALL MUST RECOGNIZE JONATHAN’S RIGHTFUL PLACE AT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

So Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley did what all lawyers do when confronted with cold, hard facts proving their position utterly unreasonable. They sued the school district.

‘Puter imagines Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley’s complaint’s statement of facts read something like this:

1. Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley are Alphas.
2. Their offspring Precious Q. Snowflake (“Precious”) must also therefore be an Alpha.
3. Alpha children wear grey.
4. Alpha children work much harder than Betas do, because they’re so frightfully clever.
5. Betas are awfully glad to be Betas, because they don’t work so hard.
6. And then Betas are much better than the Gammas and Deltas.
7. Gammas are stupid. They all wear green, and Delta children wear khaki.
8. Oh no, Precious doesn’t want to learn with Delta children.
9. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write.
10. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly color.
11. We’re so glad Precious is an Alpha.

‘Puter knows you’ll be shocked by his take on this. 

The Hefleys need to sit down, shut up and listen to the teacher who’s coached the school’s math team to a national championship.***** He might have a better handle on Precious’ academic abilities than you. J

Just because you think your kid is the greatest human ever to walk the face of the earth doesn’t make it so. In fact, your kid’s probably a jerk, since apples don’t fall far from trees.  Your doting on Precious isn’t helping him, not one bit.  If ‘Puter were to bet, he’d wager Precious is a social cripple, unable to form relationships or deal with hardships of any type since his asshats parents have always stepped in lest Precious dash his foot against a stone.

The Asshats Hefleys have stumbled across the foolproof formula for ensuring your child’s success as an adult: insist that your child be the best at everything he does, that he never fail regardless of his ability or effort, and sue the pants off anyone who disagrees.

Did ‘Puter say success? He meant to say abject failure.

‘Puter’s met a bunch of all-growed-up Jonathans, and there seem to be more in the Millennials than in any other generation including the godforsaken Boomers. These “adults” are hothouse flowers and can’t stand exposure to the real world of work. They overestimate their abilities. They have no grasp of how to work hard, nor do they have any real desire to do so. They rarely finish any project on time, or at all. They cannot take constructive criticism without dissolving into a puddle of tears or lashing out in incoherent rage. But they’ll tell you they know how to run the company you build over 15 years better than you do, despite their lack of any basis in experience or fact for such an opinion.

The judge would do everyone – including Jonathan – a huge favor by smacking Mr. and Mrs. Asshat Hefley down, and hard. ‘Were ‘Puter the sitting judge, he’d definitely require the Asshats Hefleys to pay the district’s attorney’s fees for bringing this case without a basis in law or fact.   ‘Puter’d even consider sanctioning the Asshats Hefleys as attorneys for wasting the court’s time on their selfish and foolish shenanigans.

Parents don’t run the school district, nor should they. It’s handing the inmates the keys to the asylum.
 And it’s about time for asshats parents like the Hefleys to learn that lesson in the most painful and humiliating manner possible pour encourager les autres.

*Aside from the fact that most other countries don’t test their entire educational cohort, whether to keep the rankings up or because they’re not being educated.  Testing only the high achievers tends to lead to higher test scores. Or so ‘Puter’s been told.

** ‘Puter would like to take the time to mention his position of names. If it ain’t traditional, whether in pronunciation or spelling, and you’re not the child of immigrants, you’re screwed in the job market. If ‘Puter sees one more resume with the name §žәŋ (“It’s pronounced Sean!”), he’s finding the applicant’s father and nut-punching him repeatedly so he can’t leave any more floaters in the gene pool.  Morons.

*** ‘Puter assumes Jonathan is an only child, since his parents are completely wrapped up in his entire existence. ‘Puter hears Jonathan still co-sleeps with his parents and isn’t yet weaned.  It’s pretty awkward at school functions when Jonathan crawls up Mrs. Asshat Hefley’s shirt to latch on, but hey, chacun a son gout.

**** As one of ‘Puter’s college buddies (a recovering attorney now running a successful children’s theater troupe (really)) noted, ‘Puter would’ve sued to get out of Algebra II Trig.  Just ask GorT and ŒV.

***** The math teacher at issue is Mr. Trung Vong, or as he is known to the Seminole Tribe of Florida “He Who Lives the Stereotype That Asians Are Good At Math.”

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.