Uncle Jay, as many of you know, travels the world going from major sporting event to major sporting event, and rigging them to win insignificant amounts of money. Last year alone, he confided to Borepatch that he raked in over $30. This year, he’s off to the Olympics where he could make as much as $40.

Anyway, the Big Guy was over at the Castle earlier and bumped into us in line at the Cafetorium, where the day’s special was Swede Meatballs. Not Swedish: don’t make that mistake. If you want Swedish meatballs, you’re going to want to ask for them specifically. Uncle Jay asked:

I’m attempting to curry favor as I will shortly be leaving the sunny shores of Sydney and heading to my next gig in Sochi…

Any words of wisdom on dealing with the Georgians, Caucasians & the rest of the rather angry horde on the edge of the Black Sea?

First, yes: stay in Sydney. Why the hell leave there until late Spring, Northern Hemisphere?

Heck, it has been a long time since the Czar was in that part of the world, but yes. As you know, Sochi comes from the Tatar words со (“free sample”) and чи (“whores”), and is truly a miserable place. Be glad you are going in the month of лютень, because the sparrow-sized mosquitos will have finally died and even the old Baba Witch Woman of Odenska Street will have finally put a top on.

This is how we remember it. But you are going for the Olympics, and by golly, yes: the Czar has plenty of advice for dealing with Georgians, Caucasians, Armenians, and the Tartary-types that mill about the place. Fortunately, despite the wonderful diversity of cultures there, dealing with them is pretty much the same: you lop the men’s heads off with an axe and use your horses to scare the women widows and children into the woods. If they refuse to leave, burn their homes. But start the fires below the window lines so that the chimney effect burns them up faster. For effect, have some of your brutish men turn over their carts.

Also, don’t poison the wells: the water is filthy in that area, and largely frozen. To avoid cryptosporidia and giardia, you will want to keep those unfrozen wells potable for your return journey—one assumes you are sacking the Uzbeks—along the Terek River.

Some Georgian phrases could help you here. “გთხოვთ, არ მომეცი მწერები” means “Please do not give me insects.” Also, “ამ ცხენის ხორცის ფრენა კვერცხები” is useful to complain to the whoremonger that your meal of horsemeat has fly eggs in it. A phrase you will hear a lot there is “გვამი მდინარეში ერთხელ,” which means “There is a corpse in the river again.”

But maybe they cleaned things up a little since the Czar was there. But probably not.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.