Don’t bother Mr. Dionne before  he’s had his third cup of bat-sh!t crazy juice in the morning, or he’ll smirk you to death.

E.J. Dionne is to logic as a golf umbrella is to prostate checks: seemingly compatible at first glance, yet horribly painful and ill-considered ideas in hindsight.*

Today’s installment of “Why E.J. Dionne Should Be Pointed At And Mocked By All Americans With An IQ Higher Than 45” starts with Mr. Dionne’s central premise.  Evil conservatives have thwarted the American Left’s yeoman-like efforts to stamp out inequality.

By “yeoman-like efforts to stamp out inequality,” Mr. Dionne means cramming ObamaCare down the throats of an unwilling public with the assistance of oft-repeated lies about its fundamental nature, abetted by a sycophantic, report-nothing-bad-about-Democrats, Obama worshipping media.

Mr. Dionne asks us to consider the following unanswerable question, sort of like a Zen koan but for shallow, thoughtless liberals:

Why was it so much easier to spend public money on rescuing financial institutions than on rescuing families caught in a cycle of unemployment, collapsing incomes and foreclosures?

Well, Mr. Dionne, it’s relatively simple. Without banks, the entire nation’s economy seizes and fails, especially since we have a fiat currency dependent on perception of value alone.  Even if ten percent of the nation fails (e.g., files bankruptcy, loses a home to foreclosure, etc.), the nation still moves along.  Despite your fondest wishes otherwise, there’s not enough room (or money) in the lifeboat for everyone.** We have to save the most critical things first, or they’ll be nothing left to save.

Grownups have to make hard choices and live with the consequences. Hold on.  That’s not entirely true, though, is it, Mr. Dionne? Permit ‘Puter to rephrase his statement. Non-liberal/progressive grownups have to make hard choices and live with the consequences.

But to hear Mr. Dionne tell it, conservatives are prevented from gutting Social Security only through the heroic acts of acknowledged moderates such as Sen. Pocahontas White Cloud Warren (D-MA), noted middle-of-the-road self-professed socialist Rep. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and quiet, thoughtful centrist Rep. Sherrod Brown (D-OH) to whom slowing the rate of cost increase is a cut likely to cause the program to bleed out.

See, it’s the obligation of everyone else to provide for your retirement regardless of your efforts (or lack thereof) to do so yourself. Sure, every year you spent far more than you took in to fund your misbegotten purchases of Swarovski-studded iPhones and Kardashian approved tanning aids (whore-ange is lovely color on you, dear), but someone’s got to pay for you to retire at 62 in the manner befitting your total awesome-osity, amirite?

Look, if you’re not a true victim of circumstance (think actually disabled through no fault of your own) but rather a victim of your piss poor life choices, why should ‘Puter have to give you more money to flush down the crapper during your next Home Shopping Network bender?

Last but not least, Mr. Dionne proves himself a crack-addled, delusional man-whore for the Obama Administration when he states the following:

For a long time, the American conversation has been terribly distorted because an active, uncompromising political right has not had to face a comparably influential left. As a result, our entire debate has been dragged in a conservative direction, meaning that the center has been pulled that way, too.

Oh! Mr. Dionne! Please forgive ‘Puter! You see, ‘Puter had forgotten the decades of a White House press corps completely in the thrall of conservative presidents. ‘Puter now recalls the editors of the Washington Post, the New York Times and the Boston Globe sharply criticizing ObamaCare and the manner in which it was passed.  Goodness, it’s as if ‘Puter had never seen the Big Three Networks give George W. Bush a pass on everything he did, from Iraq to Afghanistan.  Thank you, kind and benevolent Mr. Dionne for reminding ‘Puter of how put-upon the Left has been due to the systematic and coordinated repression of its beliefs by a hostile media.

‘Puter’s seen better output from a drunk who’s downed far too many Grand Marnier and guanos with syrup of ipecac chasers.

And that’s the truth.***

* That’s a free butt reference for you. You’re welcome.

** ‘Puter likes the lifeboat metaphor, as he pictures Mr. Dionne as the scurrilous Euroweenie in that craptastic sh!t-stravaganza Titanic who gets on the lifeboat before the women and children, having no problem with leaving them to die, despite his rhetoric otherwise.

*** Suck it, Czar.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.