Male Bag: Write Your Congressman Edition

Who knew Burkina Faso had a
Pride Parade? Czar. that’s who.

Operative SMR reports in from Upper Volta* where he’s on a super-secret mission for Czar and ‘Puter to discover a new fruit-based mixer to spice up our favorite drink, the Flaming Czar.**

The Leaping Peacock took the Flaming Czar off its extensive cocktail menu after Oasis’ tempestuous Liam and Noel Gallagher got lost and stumbled into the bar, whereupon Czar and ‘Puter fed them Flaming Czars until les frères Gallagher torched their tour bus in the parking lot with their band mates still on board.

Operative SMR writes regarding ‘Puter’s magnum opus post yesterday, Republicans’ 2014 and 2016 Mantra Must Be “All Jobs, All The Time.” If you haven’t read the brilliance that is ‘Puter’s mind on Adderall XR, you really ought to do so. ‘Puter’ll be here when you get back.

Anyway, between Dengue fever induced bone crushing spasms and wiping his bleeding eyes, ears and mouth caused by endemic Ebola hemorrhagic fever,Operative SMR managed to write this succinct email:

To the Gracious and Infallible ‘Puter:

Your incisive commentary struck deep and true.

1. May I plagiarize it for letters to my own congresscritters?

2. Having reformatted it as a letter to a congresscritter, may I post it on a forum for potential use by others to write to their representatives, if I provide a link to your original post?

Trembling in fear and loathing,* I remain

Your Loyal Minion,

Operative SMR

*The trembling could actually be from too much coffee taken internally.

First, ‘Puter’s pleased our minions are utilizing ‘Puter’s annoying habit of asterisking the best parts of his writing and dumping it in small font at the end of his posts. Second, ‘Puter’s never been asked for permission to share his genius before. Slightly flattered and not at all homicidally, ‘Puter wrote back to Operative SMR thus:

Operative SMR,

Of course you may use ‘Puter’s words of wisdom to set your representative and senators straight, so long as you reference where you read it. Heck, most Congressional types would do well to read The Gormogons every day, if for nothing else than the infighting between Czar and me.

Also, so long as you provide a link back with a recommendation to follow our website and follow us on Twitter, ‘Puter’d be honored to have you share his words with other folks.

Last, avoid taking coffee internally. One time Czar’s samovar broke, so he put a pound of coffee in Sleestak’s mouth, poured in five gallons of boiling water and made Sleestak stand in a pail until the coffee came out. Sleestak’s not been the same since.

Best,

‘Puter

If and when Operative SMR posts his form letter to Congress, ‘Puter may provide a link if he’s sober and so inclined.

* Yes, ‘Puter knows Upper Volta no longer exists.*** However, you forget we Gormogons have access to a 50 foot time (and dimension) travelling robot, our beloved GorT. It didn’t take too much convincing to get GorT to agree to send a human back to a hellhole on Earth. GorT’s not too fond of most humans, your Gormogons excepted.

** To make your own Flaming Czar at home, follow these easy steps. In a 55 gallon metal drum (do not use plastic, as the Flaming Czar eats holes through it) mix a five gallon bucket of Sterno and a five gallon bucket of Carolina Reaper hot peppers blended with a 12 pack of Dave’s Gourmet Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce (available online at Walmart for only $73.74). Fill the remainder of the bucket with Popov Vodka (“Russia’s Finest” at $12.99 for a 1.75 liter handle). Cover, and place in your nearest tundra overnight to allow the flavors to blend. To serve, use smelting tongs to dip a 16 ounce mason jar into the drum to fill it. Be careful not to jostle the drum (Flaming Czars have been known to spontaneously combust) or touch the liquid itself. Using a TIG welder while wearing a blacksmith’s apron and welder’s mask, ignite the Flaming Czar from a safe distance. Enjoy!****

*** ‘Puter and Czar will never accept Upper Volta’s uppity successor country Burkina Faso and it’s too-cool-for-school capital Ouagadougou. Czar once punched Burkina Faso’s entire United Nations delegation in the kidneys at a UNICEF fundraising soccer match between legless child victims of Sudan’s ongoing war and Syrian orphans blinded by chemical weapons attacks.

**** Nota bene: Some Flaming Czar imbibers have been known to spontaneously and in a totally non-homosexual way experience a pink sock. At best, be prepared for an extended period of uncontrollable, fiery diarrhea and vivid hallucinations. Czar and ‘Puter don’t experience either of these side effect, as they’re inured to alcohol related issues. Too, there’s some question as to whether ‘Puter’s actually human.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.