Our Resolutions for 2014
What are your revolutions resolutions for the New Year? No, don’t write in with them, because none of us really care. That was our resolution for 2013, which we mostly upheld.
 | The Volgi: He resolves to be less rococo and quixotic, but more sapient without being supercilious to the point of imperiousness. A less desultory obviation of obsequence. Oh, and to be an iota more colloquial. |
 | GorTechie: We resolve to be more efficient in external functions, especially to finish them with appropriate RETURN and END statements. But when compiling subroutines, be more attentive to declaring names prior to compilation. |
 | Dr. J.: Speaking professionally as the Chief Cardiologist and Royal Surgeon to the Gormogons, we resolve to be less Honeysuckle, and be more Morning Glory. To avoid being all Peach Blossom like the Volgi, and more Zipzee like GorT. |  | The Mandarin: I resolve, as always, that I am the Mandarin. You will obey me. You will attend to my bidding, however capricious, and do what I say without hesitation. Also, maybe, stand up to the other guys when they drink $85 worth of booze but leave a twenty on the table. Also, obey me. |
 | The Czar: We resolve to be more understanding and tolerant. Specifically, to be more understanding of how muzzleloaders work, and to be more tolerant of people who prefer a direct impingement AR-15 without being able to articulate why. |
 | Ghettoputer: We resolve to continue our streak of perfection. ‘Puter is always right, so why change? Sorry you assknobs can’t see it. Perhaps you are blinded by our patient humility. Or something else that’s wrong with you. |
The Czar wishes his brothers about the Castle a much better year, and hopes for all our sakes that 2013 was the worst we will ever have seen.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.