‘Puter’s favorite day of the year is rapidly approaching.* Valentine’s Day! ‘Puter’s already picked out cards for the special people in his life, as have the rest of your Gormogons. ‘Puter’s glad to share our selections with you, provided you promise not to spill the beans.

‘Puter chose this card to express his undying love and respect for the love of his life, Mrs. ‘Puter and her phenomenal hindquarters.

Czar chose this card for his lovely spouse, Mrs. The Czar, perfectly expressing his feelings in words.  Who knew Czar was such a softie at heart?

The Castle’s resident physician and full-time anime/Japanimation aficionado Dr. J selected this card for his wife, the beautiful and talented Medical Director J.  Nothing says “I’m getting some on Valentine’s Day” like a card sexualizing a child’s Pokémon.

Your Volgi’s not one for cards, but boy, does he like candy. In keeping with the spirit of the day, Volgi selected 5,000 candy hearts with the following message for Volgette. What a romantic!

GorT, being a 50 foot, metallic, time travelling robot from the future, is the least romantic of your Gormogons. His long-suffering wife hasn’t received a card in 3,473 Earth years, which GorT excuses by claiming it’s really only been one day, since he can time travel. We finally convinced GorT to get his missus a card, and this is what he came back with. We will let you know how it goes over.

Here’s a little-known Gormogon fact for you. Mandarin’s angry, horny and slightly dyslexic, which helps explain this card to his spouse.

It’s no secret that ‘Puter has a crush on the Brawny man, especially after he saved ‘Puter’s ass a few years back during a bout of intestinal distress on a Delaware toll road.

Last, but not least, your Gormogons decided it was about time they showed Dat Ho and Sleestak some appreciation. It’s tough for a reptilian man-beast and his tiny, ageless, Asian sidekick to pick up women, particularly when they’re enslaved on the payroll of a secret society headquartered in a pocket dimension.
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To all our loyal operatives and minions, wherever you may currently be assigned, your Gormogons wish you a happy V.D. in advance.

And if you tell our wives about the cards they’re getting before they get them, remember, we know where you live.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.