Today for many Americans is an election day, and here in Muscovy we are celebrating the rich plethora of candidates battling it out in primaries. They are called primary elections because they are primarily for our entertainment.

The Czar is curious as to why uncontested candidates are appearing on our local ballots, especially when some positions do not allow for write-in candidates. This is another matter for another day.

Certainly the Czar and the Царица left the dacha early today to head to Muscovy Middle School in order to cast our votes. The Czar gets into primary elections and actually looks up who the candidates are rather than just blindly selecting one.

In the Illinois governor’s race, there are four Republican candidates. Bruce Rauner is well into the lead despite a massive negative effort by numerous unnamed parties. The Czar thinks he is ahead in the polls simply because so many incumbent politicians from both parties are terrified of the guy. Kirk Dillard is in the mix, and while a bit too establishment for the Czar’s tastes is actually a decent and honorable man. Dan Rutherford is lagging behind in the polls; smart and very conservative, he nevertheless displayed a few bouts of inexperience in dealing with the media that shows, frankly, he might not be ready. Bill Brady nearly won the last election against the incumbent moron Pat Quinn, so the Czar cast his vote for him. Odds are good one of these four men will be our next governor, given that Democratic leader Pat Quinn is trailing behind that eczemic chihuahua named Pepe in the polls.

For local representative, the Czar voted for Terry McVanderPastel, who attracted the Czar’s attention by promoting an aggressive Illinois-first space colonization program that would be privately funded. He is constructing a vast fleet of spacecraft in his front yard to send millions of non-voters to far off worlds he has personally discovered and vouched are pretty safe.

For assistant under-appellate clerk to the district secondary judge, there were six candidates. But you know perfectly well three of these candidates are made up names by the silly-willies who print the ballots. Even so, of the remaining three, the Czar picked Willy Dewitt for this because, after extensive research and investigation, the Czar discovered the guy lives next door to us. Who knew? So it would be awkward at the next backyard get-together if it turned out we didn’t vote for him. It’ll come up.

For the position of county mind controller, the Czar picked Barbara Hanhavorianam due to her experience with telepathy. The Czar is resistant to her drugs, and knows that if she ever went too far (as did her predecessor), he could take her in a fight. Also, Ms. Hanhavorianam attended a knife throwing clinic the Czar hosted in 2006, and we appreciated her love of the craft.

The Czar hates clowns, but picked Billy “Scroffy” Enfazima not because his sole work experience was as a part-time birthday clown for kids’s parties. The Czar picked him because his opponent is Rico “Laundry Man” Scumzetti, and something struck as odd about that.

So go vote!

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.